Looking for new writers and graphic designers!
Come to our meetings every Sunday night at 9:00pm 5th floor of Lerner (near the student
government office).
All are welcome.
Buy a T-Shirt
Do you love animals? Or sodomy? Then buy a Fed T-shirt!
About Us
We have a long and storied history. Learn more about us...
In This Issue
- Christmas Gift to the World: Obama’s Dream Team Cabinet
- ‘Tis the Season for Booze and Folly
- Letter from the FEDitor
- From the Archives - Volume 15, Issue 2
- The Blue and White
- Problems That Only Hipsters Have
- A Special Holiday Message
- This Holiday Season, Eat Your Words with Roasted Chestnuts
- Recession Vacation!
- That Kid.
- The Pros and Cons of Being Chrewish
- Course Descriptions of Classes You Really Don’t Want to Take Next Semester
- The Top Five Ways To Get Laid on Campus
- THEY Watch
- The Staff of 24.4
The Top Five Ways To Get Laid on Campus
Advice for the Sexually Desperate and Clueless (That’s You!)
Rowan Buchanan
1. Beg, buy, or borrow an acoustic guitar, skinny jeans, and a pair of thick-rimmed glasses. Compose a song about a girl with beautiful eyes or suicide, preferably both. If you can’t write one, just learn to play Death Cab or some other “indie” band. Find the most conspicuous place on campus and start playing – your sadness cannot be fettered. Pretty soon you should be swimming in girls who wear American Apparel, smoke cigarettes, and go by French names. The only down side: you have to maintain that disenchanted, bored attitude during sex. No O-faces allowed – that shows you care too much.
2. Protests are another great way to pick up girls. Pretend like you care about bunnies, poor people, or whatever happens to be on next Friday. It’s cheap too: all you need is a marker, some old, ratty clothes, an old cardboard box, and the ability to cry harder than a menstruating woman watching The Notebook. In no time at all your tortured soul will be being soothed by that cute, musty-smelling girl with dreads. Just don’t mention your love of Big Macs with extra cheese, football, or pornography and you’ll be waking up with a smile.
3. Homework help. You can get as many digits as you can fit into that 160 IQ of yours! It’s a great excuse to start talking to the cute girl across the lecture hall. A big smile and you’ll have your foot in her dorm room. Parlay this into late night snacks and talk about philosophy. Don’t worry—just read the SparkNotes on existentialism. She has no idea what she’s talking about either. But before long you’ll both be feeling pretty deep, if you know what I mean.
4. Hedge your bets. This is a timeless, classic strategy. Mix enough alcohol with enough drunk girls with low self-esteem and one of them must be willing to take pity on your sorry self. Just don’t blame The Fed if you wake up the next day with warts in unfortunate places. If you scrape the bottom of the barrel there’s bound to be some bacteria.
5. Okay you’ve got to number five and still no good? You could try your hand at growing a personality. If that doesn’t work, probably only addiction to hard drugs will dull the pain. Either way you’re probably screwed… and not in the fun way.
Note: The above article assumes you are male. If you are female, put on hot pants, stand on a street corner, get laid. You might even get a tip.