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In This Issue

• Christmas Gift to the World: Obama’s Dream Team Cabinet
• ‘Tis the Season for Booze and Folly
• Letter from the FEDitor
• From the Archives - Volume 15, Issue 2
• The Blue and White
• Problems That Only Hipsters Have
• A Special Holiday Message
• This Holiday Season, Eat Your Words with Roasted Chestnuts
• Recession Vacation!
• That Kid.
• The Pros and Cons of Being Chrewish
• Course Descriptions of Classes You Really Don’t Want to Take Next Semester
• The Top Five Ways To Get Laid on Campus
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 24.4

Stephen K. Chan

Okay. So here it is. I’m tired of people always comparing the obvious when it comes Chanukkah and Christmas. We get it—eight nights of presents versus one. Either way you have to shell out cash for gifts everyone will re-gift or use as kindling. My purpose here is to compare the two Holiday Festivities where it really matters – to help you all decide what to become during your quarterlife crisis.

Christmas is an alcohol-based holiday. There’s always eggnog and Grandma’s Whiskey flask.

Chanukkah is an oil-based holiday. Anything, from potatoes to doughnuts, is fried to oblivion. Delicious! Until you start feeling those pains up and down your left arm.

Christmas: Holly jolly Santa Claus and his merry band of… well, they like to be called “little people” now.

Chanukkah: Adam Sandler and his mediocre collection of movies.

Christmas has the Immaculate Conception of Jesus Christ.

Chanukkah has a jar of oil that lasted eight days. Which sounds more believable?

Christmas has a bearded dude shimmying down your chimney and eating your food. Ho ho homeless, much?

Chanukkah: If someone came into my living room via fireplace I would pummel him with my latkeh spatula!

Christmas has three wise guys who saw a kid being born in a barn while all the livestock watched. Creepy….

Chanukkah has lads in skirts and sandals running around smiting Greeks. Where’s Vin Diesel when you need him?

Christmas has a beautiful, majestic fir tree, turning your house into a beautiful, majestic fire hazard.

Chanukkah has a candelabra with eight flames on it – IT IS THE FIRE HAZARD.

Christmas has tons of catchy songs. Even the Grinchiest of us secretly loves when they pop up on the iPod Shuffle.

Chanukkah has three terrible songs about spinny tops.

Christmas: Fruitcake.

Chanukkah: There is no fruitcake.

It’s hard to say which is better. I think the most diplomatic choice is to just celebrate them both. Bring on the Manischewitz and egg nog—the all-inclusive winter holiday fest is coming to town!