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In This Issue

• Christmas Gift to the World: Obama’s Dream Team Cabinet
• ‘Tis the Season for Booze and Folly
• Letter from the FEDitor
• From the Archives - Volume 15, Issue 2
• The Blue and White
• Problems That Only Hipsters Have
• A Special Holiday Message
• This Holiday Season, Eat Your Words with Roasted Chestnuts
• Recession Vacation!
• That Kid.
• The Pros and Cons of Being Chrewish
• Course Descriptions of Classes You Really Don’t Want to Take Next Semester
• The Top Five Ways To Get Laid on Campus
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 24.4

Really Really Modernist Fiction (Seminar)

English Department. T 910-1100a. Location TBA

Prof. Mitchell Prettyplace

A close examination of various obscure, complex, and—needless to say— very long novels. Largely written by and for socially maladjusted graduate students, these works will feature brazen defiance of narrative convention, irresponsible intertextuality, and chronic indecipherability. Student must be able to read whole chapters of nothing but punctuation marks and spot the Dante references. Fluency in academic gobbledygook is a must, as student must relate anything we read (including Nutritional Facts off a box of Oreos) back to the crimes of colonial imperialism. Familiarity with Professor Prettyplace’s 18-volume concordance to Gravity’s Rainbow is welcome, but not required. Interested students should submit an e-mail that synthesizes all of Western thought into a love sonnet written entirely in Classical Greek and quotes from Michael Bay films.

Introduction to Hurt

Physical Education Department. Location Classified.

Are you a naïve student looking for a less square way of fulfilling your P.E. requirement? Are you interested in traveling somewhere interesting? Then this class is your easy pass to graduation. Class will not meet once—until reading week, when all students will participate in an all-expense-paid (!!!) excursion to Cuba for one week. Activities will include participating in trial runs of new US Government-developed answer-extraction devices and examination techniques. Ignorance of US Constitution and international law codes on human rights is a must. Non-white students without family and close friends preferred. For one extra credit, students may enroll in Advanced Hurt, which carries a $75 class fee for cremation and quiet disposal of your anonymous remains.

Advanced Drinking Games (Seminar)

Film Department. Th F Sa 10p-4a, Location: Prof’s Apartment.

Prof. Thomas R. Burp

Students will dress in sleep-over attire (pajamas preferred) and gather at my house three times a week. Student will sink a White Russian every time someone says “dude” in The Big Lebowski and they’ll smoke a PCP-laced jay when someone says “fuck,” oh yes they will. Your drinks will be mixed for you. Students will drop acid, then watch Stan Brackhage films till they give themselves lobotomies through their eye sockets, and they will like it. We will watch Russ Meyer films, and every time we see a pair of tits on screen, I want you all to go into my closet and play Seven Minutes In Heaven while I put the film on hold and watch. Get ready to play Never Have I Ever with the sickest mofo to get tenure at this school. Just cuz I was married for twelve years doesn’t mean I forgot how to party. Two midterms and a final research paper (12-20pp).

21st Century Economics

Economics Department. Location: Anywhere with running water and heat.

Prof. Osborne Turin

We will discuss how to salvage a dinner for two out of a Coke can and catnip, how to brew coffee from loose asphalt, and the many ways in which fresh dirt can be served at Thanksgiving ’09. Students will also gain soon-to-be practical skills such as mixing the perfect die-with-dignity cocktail entirely from over-the-counter meds and how to protect your one bottle of water from the neighboring hobos with only a grapefruit spoon. Be prepared for practical application. No reading, no papers, no midterm or final (what’s the point?); students are expected to pay for class with nonperishable food and undying loyalty to Prof. Turin.