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In This Issue

• Christmas Gift to the World: Obama’s Dream Team Cabinet
• ‘Tis the Season for Booze and Folly
• Letter from the FEDitor
• From the Archives - Volume 15, Issue 2
• The Blue and White
• Problems That Only Hipsters Have
• A Special Holiday Message
• This Holiday Season, Eat Your Words with Roasted Chestnuts
• Recession Vacation!
• That Kid.
• The Pros and Cons of Being Chrewish
• Course Descriptions of Classes You Really Don’t Want to Take Next Semester
• The Top Five Ways To Get Laid on Campus
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 24.4

Rachel Abady

If your family is like the average (read: dysfunctional) family, this Holiday Season you will have to answer hundreds of frivolous, awkwardly probing questions. The following is a guide to prepare for the grilling that may be at hand. For every question you are likely to encounter there is both a safe and appropriate, but boring, response and a more satisfying, truthful option. Use caution when choosing the second answer. It could be deadly under sober circumstances. Happy fucking holidays folks!!

Question 1: What are you thankful for this year?

Safe Answer: I am thankful for my friends and family and my wonderful
education. Gee-golly-gosh!

Fun Answer: I am thankful for my fake ID and for all of those drunk Barnard chicks!! And a special fuck yea!- to my frat brothers, I love you guys, no homo.

Questions 2: So, how are the ladies at school, son?

Save Answer: No dad, of course not! I don't believe in pre-marital sex!

Fun Answer: I have two words for you: Alligator Fuckhouse!

Question 3: What are you majoring in?

Safe Answer: History.

Fun Answer: Are you serious?

It's the middle of my freshman year and you seriously expect me to know
that I want to major in? You have to be fucking nuts. All I really know is that University Writing sucks the big one, as does Lit Hum, and that I can't take 6 shots the night before a Calc test and still expect to pass. So as to my major-I really have no good response. But who knows, the Renaissance was kind of cool.

Question 4: How's your roommate?

Safe Answer: Oh, he's fine. A few minor differences, but a really nice guy.

Fun Answer: Well, now that you mention it, he sexiles me all the time and is a real creeper. He brings back drunk girls every night, even during the week. He once moved my bed and his together so he could do two girls at once! I fucking need a single!

Question 5: You don't drink or smoke pot, right?

Safe Answer: No, of course not! The Law is very strictly enforced!

Fun Answer: I'm in a frat! Let's be serious.

Question 6: Have you been keeping your room clean?

Safe Answer: I changed my sheets! And I do laundry every Thursday.

Fun Answer: Are you fucking kidding me? There's a layer of congealed beer over the entire floor.