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In This Issue

• Christmas Gift to the World: Obama’s Dream Team Cabinet
• ‘Tis the Season for Booze and Folly
• Letter from the FEDitor
• From the Archives - Volume 15, Issue 2
• The Blue and White
• Problems That Only Hipsters Have
• A Special Holiday Message
• This Holiday Season, Eat Your Words with Roasted Chestnuts
• Recession Vacation!
• That Kid.
• The Pros and Cons of Being Chrewish
• Course Descriptions of Classes You Really Don’t Want to Take Next Semester
• The Top Five Ways To Get Laid on Campus
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 24.4

With all the punditry and speculation that’s been going on these days, it’s about time you, the unassuming American citizen, had a look at what’s in store for you over the next four years:

Secretary of State:

Larry the Cable Guy—A true representation of America to the world.

Secretary of Defense:

Duke Nukem—It’s time to kick ass and chew bubblegum…but this is a recession—we’re all out of gum.

Secretary of Energy:

The Energizer Bunny—Foreign oil dependence? Carbon footprint? Hydrogen fuel cells not happening? Clean coal not so clean? No worries. This cute fella just keeps going and going and going....

Secretary of the Treasury:

Flava Flav—Nothing says “out of a recession” like gold teeth.

Attorney General:

Shaft—Any questions?

Secretary of Education:

Miss Teen South Carolina—U.S. Americans are unable to locate the U.S. on a map because, uh, some... people out there in our nation don’t have maps and uh, I believe that our, ah, education like such as in South Africa, and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for our children....

Secretary of Veterans Affairs:

GI Joe (aka “Joe the Soldier”)—A real American hero. Demi Moore with a shaved head will replace GI Joe when the world discovers he is a eunuch.

Secretary of the Interior:

Hugh Hefner—He’s always had the “interior” covered…

Secretary of Agriculture:

The Planter’s Peanut man— It’s about time the monocle returned to Washington.

Secretary of Transportation:

Chamillionaire—Tryin’ to catch me ridin’ dirty… on nationally funded public transportation.

Secretary of Commerce:

Michael Vick—The man has a clear knowledge of trade and money.

Secretary of Labor:

Lois Griffin—She’s been through it.

Secretary of Homeland Security:

C. Maxwell. JJ guard extraordinaire.

Secretary of Health and Human Services:

McSteamy—A doctor that provides all the human services you’ll ever need.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development:

Holy Shit! There’s a department of Housing and Urban Development?!