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In This Issue

• Christmas Gift to the World: Obama’s Dream Team Cabinet
• ‘Tis the Season for Booze and Folly
• Letter from the FEDitor
• From the Archives - Volume 15, Issue 2
• The Blue and White
• Problems That Only Hipsters Have
• A Special Holiday Message
• This Holiday Season, Eat Your Words with Roasted Chestnuts
• Recession Vacation!
• That Kid.
• The Pros and Cons of Being Chrewish
• Course Descriptions of Classes You Really Don’t Want to Take Next Semester
• The Top Five Ways To Get Laid on Campus
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 24.4

Jochen Kang

By now, you have probably seen packs of birds flying south for the cold winter season. Ever since the first caveman looked up in the sky and felt a drop of bird-poop splatter on his face, Man has wished he too could soar like these winged creatures. But he was unable to chase after these aerial pests. In the last century humans have finally succeeded in building machines that have let them cross continents to follow the migrating birds, shredding the pretentious flyers with the help of turbines. Unfortunately, what comes up must come down, and this year, like Icarus, the economy has fallen, which means that humans can no longer afford to fly south during the winter. But fear not. Just because you can’t go to some tropical paradise doesn’t mean you can’t have fun. Have a look at the hottest getaway spots for this winter break:

Platonic vacation (Anywhere, but preferably Philosophy Hall):

Price: priceless, but you can buy books in anticipation of this exciting getaway. If you believe that all vacations are really just shadows of the Vacation, then you can stop reading here, and start thinking about what this Vacation actually means.

Ramp-boarding (Lerner Hall):

Price: free of charge with CUID. Get out your skateboard and head on “over and out” to Lerner! You can participate in this exhilarating indoor winter sport without even worrying about the weather. And Lerner Hall’s special elevator transportation lets you roll out at any level of difficulty (Beginner: floors 1-2; Intermediate: 3-5; and for the adventurous: check out the secret 6th level!). This winter hotspot is sure to be fun for the whole family. (Warning: take precautions against rugburn and wear underwear. The ramps are known to be bumpy.)

Spelunking (subway tunnels):

Price: $2 per person, $7 for groups of four. Want to see how New York City looks beneath the surface? Here is your chance to take a look at what goes on underneath all the streets of the city. You’ll lose yourself in a subterranean wonder-world as you grope your way through the dark! You’re likely to be shocked (3000 to 5000 Watts) when you experience the legendary third rail first-hand! Best of all though, you’ll be blown away by the trains that head your way! (Recommended for Olympic Track and Field racers.)

Spelunking (your mom):

Price: $2 per person, $7 for groups of four. You’ve probably heard of this popular attraction- recommended by millions of New Yorkers and tourists who ride it every day. Now is your chance to experience it for yourself!

Safari hunting (Iraq, Afghanistan):

Price: In America, the military pays you. Who says you need money to get far far away from the city? With the US army, you can chase after the native (and not-so-native) insurgent fighters on the streets of Baghdad and Kabul! Learn the religious chants and how to shriek at operatic highs; a wonderful cultural experience for the entire family (children must be at least three years of age to participate). Those who prefer less structure and more variety can sign up with Blackwater. What better way to experience Islamic wildlife than to bring a piece of it home? Just remember to lock your doors, because some of those IEDs can be nasty. If that doesn’t matter to you, the next activity might be a better choice.

Base diving (anywhere between the 10th story window and the sidewalk):

Price: free of charge: We don’t spend any money on parachutes, and pass the savings right on to you. Now a popular sport among the most elite citizens of Wall Street and a longtime tradition of the students at Cornell University, this is truly a once in- a-lifetime experience for those who want to get away from it all. Unfortunately, hotels are reporting that guests participating in this activity are no longer checking out, so hurry now and get your spot while it’s still there!