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In This Issue

• Rock Band and Blow: A Love Affair
• Past Parties in My Pants
• The Fed Presents: My Very First Acid Trip
• CAVA, Will You Be My Valentine?
• W. and Dick Wal your Mart
• ‘Roids, Trout, and Other New Laws of 2009
• got meth?
• COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY DANCE MARATHON
• How to Lose a Fuckbuddy
• Famous Valentine's Day Figures
• The February Napoleon Complex
• Quick Cards
• The Year of the Screwed: Chinese New Year Horrorscope
• The Fed Presents: This is Why We're Hot
• The True Change In Which America Believes!
• THE FED has this to say
• Ten Signs Your Valentine's Day Date is Gay
• From the Archives
• They Watch
• The Staff

Need to find the right words to say?
The Fed is always here to help you out.

front: When I first saw you, I couldn't look away...
inside: You had spinach in your teeth.

front: A little birdy told me you were amazing in bed.
inside: I politely corrected him before roasting him for dinner.

front: They say absence makes the heart grow fonder...
inside: Let's test that theory.

front: Love, for you, only the best!
inside: I reserved the BK Lounge for dinner.

front: My husband shows me a side no one else sees...
inside: The backside. There's hair. Lots and lots of hair.

front: Today is an important day in our relationship.
inside: It's your turn to take out the trash.
front: Baby, being with you makes me feel hot and bothered...
inside: Like that time I had dengue fever.

front: When I think of you, my heart starts pounding...
inside: Locking my doors and windows usually eases the anxiety. Usually.

front: So there's this amazing person that's been on my mind a lot lately...
inside: I figured I should warn you. Boxes and packing tape are in the
basement, sweetheart.

front: When you say you want to be with me forever...
inside: I value your mortality.

front: When you stare at me with those big brown eyes, you look just like a puppy...
inside: That's been hit by a snow plow.