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In This Issue

• Rock Band and Blow: A Love Affair
• Past Parties in My Pants
• The Fed Presents: My Very First Acid Trip
• CAVA, Will You Be My Valentine?
• W. and Dick Wal your Mart
• ‘Roids, Trout, and Other New Laws of 2009
• got meth?
• COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY DANCE MARATHON
• How to Lose a Fuckbuddy
• Famous Valentine's Day Figures
• The February Napoleon Complex
• Quick Cards
• The Year of the Screwed: Chinese New Year Horrorscope
• The Fed Presents: This is Why We're Hot
• The True Change In Which America Believes!
• THE FED has this to say
• Ten Signs Your Valentine's Day Date is Gay
• From the Archives
• They Watch
• The Staff

The following is the transcript of a recorded CAVA phone call from a ROLM phone on V-Day 2006.

(Phone ringing)

CAVA: Hello, this is CAVA, what's your emergency?

Person: (Sound of sobbing)

CAVA: Hello? Is everything alright?

Person: No! (Sob) Everything is horrid.

CAVA: Ok, Miss, just calm down and tell me what's wrong. I'll do whatever I can to help you.

Person: I'm drowning!

CAVA: Drowning? I don't understand.

Person: I'm sinking into the painful abyss of an injured heart.

CAVA: Something is wrong with your heart? Can you describe the pain, please?

Person: I'm pretty sure it's broken, broken into a thousand pieces, like so many tiny grains of sand.

CAVA: I beg your pardon?

Person: My douchebag boyfriend decided it would be funny to break up with me today, on the most romantic day of the year, and now I'm alone. All alone. I am a wandering nomad in a desert of broken glass and sorrow. Each passing moment crushes me with the weight of a sumo wrestler. I am beset by the raging sea lions of solitude; they bite and tear at my soul.

CAVA: Ma'am is this a medical emergency? Have you been bitten?

Person: I spent all week preparing for the most enchanting night of my life. I showered. I got pineapples. I curled. I shaved. I waxed, twice-

CAVA: Miss, have you been drinking tonight?

Person: Do you believe in aliens?

CAVA: I don't see what that has to do with anything.

Person: I wouldn't mind being abducted by aliens. Then, I wouldn't be so totally and utterly alone. I had a dream recently in which two aliens who looked like Abraham Lincoln beamed me up to their ship and probed me. I woke up feeling so happy... then I remembered that my asshole boyfriend had stabbed me with his cruelty.

CAVA: Wait! Have you been stabbed?

Person: You have the voice of an angel. I bet you're really beautiful and sexy. What are you wearing?

CAVA: Miss, this line needs to be kept open for real emergencies.

Person: Please, what's your name?

CAVA: Uhhh, Jeremy. But listen, miss, how much have you had to drink tonight?

Person: Jeremy! Shhh, please wait, I wrote a poem for you.

CAVA: A poem?

Person: Yeah, I'm an Economics major, but you have inspired me. Please listen this comes from the deepest innermost chambers of my being:

Oh Jeremy, you are the Pokemon of my Soul
The cupcake that makes me whole
A herd of Leprechauns are dancing the polka in me
They all want to kiss Jeremy
Oh Jeremy, you're like a mighty chipmunk
A real slam-dunk
Oh Jeremy, I love you like unicorns love coke
Without you, I am broke

CAVA: Ummm, Miss, exactly how much alcohol have you consumed this evening? Are you able to walk in a straight line?

Person: Oh Jeremy, my skin is tingling just thinking of you. It's better than Gossip Girl. You know, if you bring your stethoscope, we can play doctor. I don't have any money so I'm going to have to pay with...

CAVA: Ma'am unless you have a medical problem, I'm going to have to hang up. This line is for serious emergencies only.

Person: This is serious!

CAVA: Miss, calling CAVA is not a joke.

Person: Don't you believe in love and magic? Please look deep inside of you. I am sure you will find a tiny voice telling you that you want to play hot doctor. That voice is the voice of the divine in you. It's who you really, truly are. Okay, I'll go first. I think I have a cough. I'm too weak to take off what I'm wearing. You're going to have to do it for me.

CAVA: Okay, I'm hanging up now.

Person: Good thing it's only two squares of gauze.

CAVA: Did I misunderstand you? Have you actually broken something? Are you injured?

Person: Yeah, I know we've only just met Jeremy, but I've fallen. I've fallen deeply in love with you. I'm aching with love for you.

CAVA: Miss?

Person: Happy Valentines Day, my darling ice cream and chocolate pizza pie.

CAVA: Wait, is today Valentine's day?

Person: Yes, my wonderful man, it is Valentine's Day.

CAVA: This is a shot in the dark, but my friend is throwing a party tonight, and I'd hate to show up without a date. Do you wanna maybe go with me?

Person: OH MY GOD!!

CAVA Is that a yes?

Person: What?

CAVA: Do you wanna go to a party with me?

Person: Eff that I just spotted the hot guy in my macro class! I need to go flirt with him before those other sluts get to him.