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In This Issue

• Rock Band and Blow: A Love Affair
• Past Parties in My Pants
• The Fed Presents: My Very First Acid Trip
• CAVA, Will You Be My Valentine?
• W. and Dick Wal your Mart
• ‘Roids, Trout, and Other New Laws of 2009
• got meth?
• COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY DANCE MARATHON
• How to Lose a Fuckbuddy
• Famous Valentine's Day Figures
• The February Napoleon Complex
• Quick Cards
• The Year of the Screwed: Chinese New Year Horrorscope
• The Fed Presents: This is Why We're Hot
• The True Change In Which America Believes!
• THE FED has this to say
• Ten Signs Your Valentine's Day Date is Gay
• From the Archives
• They Watch
• The Staff

Sean Zhuraw

When Barack Obama did not immediately save the stock market, walk on water, and simultaneously take the oath of the President of the United States, the world was surprised. Boasting slogans like "Change You Can Believe In," "Dontcha' know the Republicans Suck," and "Sarah Palin, Really?" Mr. Obama existed as the white (or black) knight the country so desperately wanted. And now, with the campaign and inauguration hype over, we really have elected an African-American President. In that spirit, I'd like to pitch some other ideas that fall under ‘slashing-and-burning barriers.

First, let's overturn Marbury v. Madison. Spare me the landmark decision crap. The ruling basically told the Supreme Court to be indecisive and apathetic if it wanted to be written into history. Our country isn't founded on that! We're founded on hard work (to be done by our slaves) and independence (except for our slaves)!

Second, now that we've elected a Black President, it's safe to say that the sun has set on Brown v. Board. We're equal enough. Plessey v. Fergusson, I got your back!!

Third, we must close down Guantanamo Bay! Oh, wait. Obama already did that. We were all just too hung-over after partying inauguration-eve to remember.

Fourth, in the spirit of February's Black History Month, I think we need and ought and must and need to create a White History Month! Let's celebrate the now all but obsolete forty-three white Presidents before Obama. Here's looking at you, Chester A. Arthur.

Fifth, raise your hand if you want to see Barack wear a tall top hat, grow a beard, never lie, and pretend to be Abraham Lincoln. How awesome would that be?! Obama's even got the Lincoln Bible and highly polarized nation!

Sixth, we need a basketball court in the White House. Like, now. Bowling is for pansies and ESPN3. Presidential leisure should look less like The Big Lebowski and more like Space Jam. Or Air Bud. Or the basketball montage of High School Musical 3.

Finally, Obama needs to do one thing to fully CHANGE from his predecessors: Not fuck up! Seriously, man, don't fuck this up! You will have the chance to, often! DON'T! This, friends, is the True Change In Which America Believes!