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In This Issue
- Rock Band and Blow: A Love Affair
- Past Parties in My Pants
- The Fed Presents: My Very First Acid Trip
- CAVA, Will You Be My Valentine?
- W. and Dick Wal your Mart
- ‘Roids, Trout, and Other New Laws of 2009
- got meth?
- COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY DANCE MARATHON
- How to Lose a Fuckbuddy
- Famous Valentine's Day Figures
- The February Napoleon Complex
- Quick Cards
- The Year of the Screwed: Chinese New Year Horrorscope
- The Fed Presents: This is Why We're Hot
- The True Change In Which America Believes!
- THE FED has this to say
- Ten Signs Your Valentine's Day Date is Gay
- From the Archives
- They Watch
- The Staff
How to Lose a Fuckbuddy
Philip Armada
Over the past few months, the editors of the Fed have received many letters of thanks from readers; apparently, the techniques they learned from its articles (i.e. 24.4, "5 Ways to Get Laid on Campus") have led to enormous increases in successful sexual encounters: 0 to 1 encounters per year. Some readers, however, have become frustrated with having to fuck women or men they found attractive whilst they were drunk, but when sober find these people atrocities of humanity, and are too afraid to hurt their feelings by telling them to "fuck off." So to get the un-prized pig out of your sheets and back into the pen, here are several ways to give your fuckbuddy the slip.
1. Playfully blindfold your partner with a tie, scarf, fruit-roll up etc. Proceed to tar and feather him/her. Say you saw it in a colonial-themed pornographic movie, and/or that it fulfills your childhood dream of having sex with Big Bird. Tar can be found at the construction site near Pupin, and feathers can be found by stealing boas from theater bitches' closets or up Ann Coulter's ass.
2. Watch the 2girls1cup video together. Then, at the beginning of your next sexual encounter, get a cup and defecate in it. Hold it up to him/her, saying it was the big trend in 2008.
3. For women: Before things heat up, tell him you've been reading on ways guys can get more stimulation during sex. You stumbled upon a forum where a man said that he put some hot sauce/lemon juice/vinegar in his condom before putting it on, and the results were immensely pleasurable. Playfully ask him to try it. When he starts crying out in horrendous pain, pretend he's screaming in pleasure and don't let him pull out.
4. For men: Complain that she always gags whenever you try to deep-throat her. Ask if you can knock her unconscious with your Vulcan Pinch/Ninja Punch/Chloroform to get that unmatchable delight for a few minutes without her gagging. If she's not comfortable with that, tell her you can have your freshman buddy, who's practiced martial arts for three months and is planning on majoring in pre-med, on stand-by. If still no, kick her out: your work is done.
5. Have your friend hide in your closet or under your bed. At a pre-determined time, have him/her burst out of the closet with a video camera, saying, "Alright, we have enough material for Redtube. Wanna play video games?" Stop what you're doing immediately and play old school Mario Kart, acting like it's better than sex, ignoring your partner completely.
6. Lead your partner to your bed. Before you begin, startlingly state that you just remembered it's the 15th of the month. Donning an all-black, full-length robe, paint a pentagram on your floor, and place candles at each point. Place a bloody sheep's head on your partner's stomach, and proceed to put many holes in said sheep's head with a large knife while chanting Wiccan rituals. (Style points if you get pictures to the Fed.)
If all these techniques fail to completely freeze your sex life with your sin against nature, then you have a real freak-a-leek on your hands. Either bring your partner to the BDSM club, or e-mail the person's name and CUID to pa2343@columbia.edu. My friend, who coincidentally has the same initials as me, is looking for willing actors for a "play" he's putting on... in the tunnels.