• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• Rock Band and Blow: A Love Affair
• Past Parties in My Pants
• The Fed Presents: My Very First Acid Trip
• CAVA, Will You Be My Valentine?
• W. and Dick Wal your Mart
• ‘Roids, Trout, and Other New Laws of 2009
• got meth?
• COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY DANCE MARATHON
• How to Lose a Fuckbuddy
• Famous Valentine's Day Figures
• The February Napoleon Complex
• Quick Cards
• The Year of the Screwed: Chinese New Year Horrorscope
• The Fed Presents: This is Why We're Hot
• The True Change In Which America Believes!
• THE FED has this to say
• Ten Signs Your Valentine's Day Date is Gay
• From the Archives
• They Watch
• The Staff

Happy 2009, Columbians! My favorite part of the new year isn't the failed resolutions or the SAG Awards; it's reading what our city and state legislatures cooked up in the final days of December, before many of their terms ended. The following is a list of new laws of the new year. Log out of Gchat, grab some hot cocoa, and put on your Snuggie because all of these laws are real.

In Massachusetts it is no longer a crime to posses one ounce or less of marijuana. Kids with worn-out backwards Red Sox caps everywhere are fist pumping with glee. Massachusetts Junior Senator John Kerry, who recently admitted he was high for most of the 2004 Election, also smiled at this as much as his unusually long face allowed him to.

North Carolina cracked down on the collection and disposal of hog waste this year. Finally. Alarms are now mandatory on hog waste storage containers to warn farmers when it is almost full. This is great news for everyone but the great state of North Carolina, where in the twenty-first century hog waste is a government concern.
In New Hampshire, peeing in public can now cost up to $1,000 in fines. Several deer and a snow man have already been arrested.

California made it illegal for students to bully other students through electronic means. How students bully via AOL Instant Messenger has yet to be determined, but young people say that "harsh" emoticons and threats of "blocking" play a large role.

New York City increased sentence times for people convicted of public lewdness. Which is a little ridiculous, if I may speak frankly. Get off your puritanical high horse, City Council. If you can't expose yourself to an unsuspecting tourist church group on the A train at Times Square, where can you?

Illinois judges are now able to track stalkers via satellite. The stalkers become the stalked! Oh, how the tables within a fifty feet perimeter of one another have turned!

Californians may no longer legally text while driving. Hagahagaha sux 4 dem!

New York State banned the use of certain steroids on race horses. The law comes after "juice" scandals plagued the horse racing industry, led to Congressional hearings, and forced parents everywhere had to explain to children why their favorite horses aren't good role models anymore.

California is forcing publishers and college bookstores to release the cost of books to faculty choosing which texts to include in their courses. New York has yet to do this, which is why I paid $300 for books. For one class. Called Badmitton for Beginners.

California created a new law "discouraging" the release of nonnative fish in waters designated for wild trout. The legislature then "suggested" cutting crime and "hinted" at smaller class sizes. There has been no trout response because trout can't speak.

Oklahoma now only allows stores to sell "fire-safe" cigarettes, made to prevent fires. New promotional ads for the law, called "Why I Smoke," show Smokey the Bear throwing his cigarette into a forest fire to extinguish it. The fire immediately goes out, the screen fades to black, and the words "I Smoke Because I Care" appear in white.