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In This Issue

• Rock Band and Blow: A Love Affair
• Past Parties in My Pants
• The Fed Presents: My Very First Acid Trip
• CAVA, Will You Be My Valentine?
• W. and Dick Wal your Mart
• ‘Roids, Trout, and Other New Laws of 2009
• got meth?
• COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY DANCE MARATHON
• How to Lose a Fuckbuddy
• Famous Valentine's Day Figures
• The February Napoleon Complex
• Quick Cards
• The Year of the Screwed: Chinese New Year Horrorscope
• The Fed Presents: This is Why We're Hot
• The True Change In Which America Believes!
• THE FED has this to say
• Ten Signs Your Valentine's Day Date is Gay
• From the Archives
• They Watch
• The Staff

I
The best thing about February I could say,
Besides chocolate and a penis on Valentine's Day,
Would be the fact that this month doesn't run late,
For we all know its days number twenty plus eight
So here is a list, a reflection of sorts
About other interesting things that are small or short.

II
Morning after pill response time after nights at Sig Ep
The size and validity of Bernie Madoff's rep
Babies, Danny Devito, the run of [Title of Show]
In regard to the average, are far far below
Ashlee Simpson's career and her new nose
Columbia Republicans, my pinky toes

III
The time it takes to buy Britney's new CD
The time it takes to realize it should've been free
The time it takes to determine Sarah Palin's insane
The time it takes for her to shoot a deer from a plane
The time it takes Ann Coulter to get that no one cares what she says
The time it takes to find out Jaime Lynn's knocked up on Perez

IV
So here lies a sum of the best and the worst
A series of lasts and a series of firsts
From politics to pop to life here at school
We've found the tinniest of tiny, the small, the minuscule
But now, alas! We have a reason to end all this short and small drama
Cause one thing that isn't, is the size of my new President's "Obama!"