The Fed | 24.5: The Year of the Screwed: Chinese New Year Horrorscope

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Issue 24.5: February 2009

Posted: February 19, 2009

The Year of the Screwed: Chinese New Year Horrorscope

Interview with Master Chop Chow “Weeping Monkey” Mein

Stephen K. Chan

In light of the recent Chinese Lunar New Year (you wondered why you sat on a dragon-shaped firecracker, now did you?), we at the Fed have consulted the venerable Master Mein on the astrological conditions of this Year of the Ox and, in particular, its implications for members of the Columbia community.

FED: Master Mein, an honor to speak with you. What are your predictions for this, the year of the Ox, as a whole?

MASTER MEIN: This is Year 4707, year of Yin Earth Ox. Yin, darkness, Earth, temperament grounding. Ox's natural element also Earth. Time for steadfastness and reflection. Confluence of factors and elements is interesting. In whole double Earth means whole year grounded! Do not try to fly or surely you will end up in the muck. Also, not time for romantic venture. Ox usual mean slow and steady win race, but too much earth means race is disaster! Whole body full of sand! Blow job terrible! As Master Chi once say:

"...He who runs with rocks in pocket
surely shreds entire wallet..."

FED: Excellent, some fine advice...I'll be sure to bring wear my galoshes on the next flight I take to LA. Now what of this year's graduating seniors, most of whom are Rabbits?

MM: Ah, the hare. Fuzzy little critters may have chance in some year, but this is not the one. Ox's horn gouges painfully and hoofs smash little pointy ear. Run too fast when apply for job or woman and get squashed like bird face in windshield. As wise Master Chi once say:

"...Swallows fly and blossoms float
In a glass house do not elope..."

FED: Never have wiser words been spoken. I tell you it's like that Fedbash when that dweeb decided to run after the burlesque dancer and... And, um, well, Master, what of the juniors, the Dragons?

MM: Dragon always accompany by good luck and fortune. Except when not; signs of Earth make all reveal. Don't matter how lucky you are. If you ugly and fat, nothing work. Just like no amount of Japanese cartoon make white people Asian. One must be true to self. So if self no work, you must change self. As Master Chi say:

"...He who rams self on wall
surely will destroy his balls..."

FED: Well, this year is certainly looking to be cheery. I'm glad I invested in that new Shock Doctor cup; nad smashing is never fun. What about the sophomores, the Snakes?

MM: Snake and Ox separated by four year. Usual good sign. Unfortunately, numerology for year makes for bad omen. Good initial luck give way to tepid calamity. Stay instead with steady double Earth and attempt to salvage fortune. As Master Chi say:

"...Storm wind blows and children cry
do not stick your hand in lye!"

FED: Some sound advice indeed. It completely explains why you should never ask for a handjob from a girl who's just come out of chem lab... But I digress. So, how about the freshman, the Horses?

MM: Double Earth and slow pace of Ox will slow down the Horse. Beware of sloth and of slow pace weighing one down. As Master Chi once say:

"...Dine hall food is load of crap
that is why you get so fat..."

FED: Thanks for that Master Mein, this totally explains why Barnard parties have been sucking the big one lately (or rather not sucking it...). And what about the incoming class of 2013, those hopeful Sheep?

MM: HAHAHAHAHA you ask funny question! Sheep sign opposes Ox! Very VERY bad year! Total fail! As Master Chi once say:

"...Torrential hell will not mellow
you are one unlucky fellow!"