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In This Issue

• Rock Band and Blow: A Love Affair
• Past Parties in My Pants
• The Fed Presents: My Very First Acid Trip
• CAVA, Will You Be My Valentine?
• W. and Dick Wal your Mart
• ‘Roids, Trout, and Other New Laws of 2009
• got meth?
• COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY DANCE MARATHON
• How to Lose a Fuckbuddy
• Famous Valentine's Day Figures
• The February Napoleon Complex
• Quick Cards
• The Year of the Screwed: Chinese New Year Horrorscope
• The Fed Presents: This is Why We're Hot
• The True Change In Which America Believes!
• THE FED has this to say
• Ten Signs Your Valentine's Day Date is Gay
• From the Archives
• They Watch
• The Staff

Editor-in-Chief: Rachel Paige Katz
Publisher: Ben Ehrlich
Head Submissions Editor: Aarti Iyer, Jeffrey Scharfstein

Managing Editor: Nina Pedrad

Editor in Chief Emeritus: Sam Reisman
Publisher Emerita: Sophie Lithschwartz
Head Submissions Editor Emerita: Alex Aaronson
Managing Editor Emeritus: Adam Valen Levinson

Publicity Editor: Rachel Abady
Graphics/Layout Editor: Caity Sigler
Layout Editor: Sean Zhuraw
Copy Editor: Stephen K. Chan
Webmaster: Arnold Park
Secretary: Carly Silver

Submissions Editors
Rowan Buchanan
Amital Isaac
Jared Frieder
Max Shutran
Adam Weiler

Contributors
Philip Armada
Jochen Kang
Tim Reuter
Andres Vedova
Becca Walker

© 2009 The Fed. Submissions, comments, and the occassional pressing concern are welcome at thefed@columbia.edu, where they will not be pulped. The Fed accepts unsolicited submissions and sexual favors. We reserve the right to edit both for clarity and length. The views expressed herein do not necessarily reflect those of Columbia University. The actual views of The Fed are as follows:
1. The Spectator is an awful boyfriend. He did not send flowers. 2. Thusly, The Fed is now on the prowl. You can find us on Craig's List or speed dating.