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In This Issue

• Rock Band and Blow: A Love Affair
• Past Parties in My Pants
• The Fed Presents: My Very First Acid Trip
• CAVA, Will You Be My Valentine?
• W. and Dick Wal your Mart
• ‘Roids, Trout, and Other New Laws of 2009
• got meth?
• COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY DANCE MARATHON
• How to Lose a Fuckbuddy
• Famous Valentine's Day Figures
• The February Napoleon Complex
• Quick Cards
• The Year of the Screwed: Chinese New Year Horrorscope
• The Fed Presents: This is Why We're Hot
• The True Change In Which America Believes!
• THE FED has this to say
• Ten Signs Your Valentine's Day Date is Gay
• From the Archives
• They Watch
• The Staff

Sean Zhuraw

The following is an excerpt from Bill O'Reilly's new book, The Second Glorious Revolution: Dawn of the Right. It seeks to answer one fundamental question. Why is America the most prosperous nation in the world? Let's find out my friends by going back to the beginning. Chapter 1: Operation Wal-Mart.

January 19, 2009

The White House was quiet except for a meeting in the Oval Office. George W. Bush was convening with his top advisors on a matter of national security.

"Gentlemen, we have a situation. The liberals are going to run this country into the shitter effective at noon tomorrow. The liberal leadership must be destroyed," Bush stated while lounging in his chair.

"I agree George. We liberated Iraq, we overturned Roe v. Wade, and enriched big business. We cannot allow the Liberals to overturn our good work. We can solve this problem by using big business and powerful connections," Vice President Cheney declared as he moved around the office in his wheel chair.

"What do you propose we do Dicko? W?" Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld asked.

"The answer is simple. Wal-Mart has a private army. We will use them to commandeer the limos that hold Obama, Biden, Pelosi, and Reid. We will then imprison them in Wal-Mart's secret base in Arkansas. During the ensuing chaos, I will declare martial law and myself President for life," Bush replied while Cheney called the local Wal-Mart.

"By order of the Office of President of the United States. Your private army is being commandeered for the abduction of liberal leaders tomorrow. That is all." Cheney bellowed into the phone before slamming it down.

"Won't we need a diversion while the limos are being attacked?" Rumsfeld asked.

"No. We need to keep the element of surprise. That was lesson 101 during my training for the Texas Air National Guard" Bush replied as dawn neared.

January 20, 2009 10:00 am.

"We are set. The go command is "Middle America." Once the order is given, the commandos will attack the limos as they come down Constitution Avenue at 11 am. They will dispose of the secret service, commandeer the limos, and head for the Beltway in order to escapeinto Red State country. Simultaneously with the escape, President Bush will declare martial law and name himself President for life. Operation Wal-Mart is now in effect." Cheney barked as the outgoing administration headed for the Capitol.

So President-Elect Obama journeyed towards the Capitol for his inauguration along with Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid. Obama had promised that change would come to Washington. He had little idea what awaited him.

January 20, 2009 10:55 am

"This is Wal-Mart special forcesto Father. We are in position and awaiting your command," Billy Bob, the team leader, said as he prepared himself.

"Steady men. We only get one shot at this. If we fail, the liberals will destroy us and America," Bush remarked as tension gripped his face. The time of reckoning for the right was fast approaching.

10:59 am

"Middle America. I repeat Middle America. Capture the pansy poet liberals now!" Cheney's voice thundered into the com links of the Wal-Mart soldiers.

"Ready to rock and ruin," Billy Bob said as the commandos descended on the motorcade. No one knew who was who. Commandos and Secret Service fell alike.

"By order of the President of the United States I command you to stop" Obama shouted.

"By order of the High Chancellor of the Supreme Special Interest of Wal-Mart you are under arrest for crimes against the state," Billy Bob snarled as he grabbed the wheel and sped off for the Capitol Beltway.

As the Wal-Mart commandos abducted the liberal leadership, President Bush moved to the podium. It was now or never. The dreams of the right rested on his broad shoulders.

"My fellow Americans. The evil -doers have attacked us today. I give you my world that they will be found and punished without exception. In order to carry out my oath to protect you the public, two important measures are necessary. First, I am declaring martial law. Second and most importantly, I am declaring myself President for life effective as soon as I take the oath of office. I, George Walker Bush do solemnly swear to preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution so help me Jesus, Wal-Mart, and the 2nd Amendment" Bush announced.

So began a new golden age for the United States and the Far Right. Abortion was outlawed, gay marriage was made a capital offense, taxes were cut to 0 while revenue rose to infinity. An electric fence guarded the southern border, the 2nd amendment usurped the other amendments, freedom and democracy conquered the Middle East, and Bush was President for life. And so, this was only the beginning of the Far Right's extensive agenda that would bring America perpetual prosperity. What happened to Obama, Biden, Pelosi, and Reid you ask? Let us just say they are in an un-disclosed location for re-education.