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In This Issue

• Rock Band and Blow: A Love Affair
• Past Parties in My Pants
• The Fed Presents: My Very First Acid Trip
• CAVA, Will You Be My Valentine?
• W. and Dick Wal your Mart
• ‘Roids, Trout, and Other New Laws of 2009
• got meth?
• COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY DANCE MARATHON
• How to Lose a Fuckbuddy
• Famous Valentine's Day Figures
• The February Napoleon Complex
• Quick Cards
• The Year of the Screwed: Chinese New Year Horrorscope
• The Fed Presents: This is Why We're Hot
• The True Change In Which America Believes!
• THE FED has this to say
• Ten Signs Your Valentine's Day Date is Gay
• From the Archives
• They Watch
• The Staff

In this the month of such crowd-pleaser, "way-to-remind-me-that-I'm-lonely," holidays such as Valentine's Day, you might find your heart left--to say it bluntly--cold, crushed, and converted. In order to avoid this almost certain fate, you MUST avoid the THEY. Do that with the precision of an Alexander Hamilton and screw all those who advertise their love just to prove they are getting some. Ladies and gentlemen, this is THEY WATCH. This is Real.

The Scene: Any restaurant on Valentines evening.
The Cast: The many couples sharing intimate moments (as in making-out right over the table. Oh look, that couple is spilling the salt. What a surprise). If you think these people are THEY, you might be right. But they are not the true enemy. Because lurking in the dark corners of restaurants, the dark corners of college walk, the dark corners of Facebook exists the ultimate THEY: The couple so perfect in every way that your options upon seeing them are A) Hurl B) Cry or C) Change Religions. They sit next to each other because they cannot bear having even a table between them. THEY kiss each other publicly because they need to make sure every one knows they just how much they are in love with each other. Then, to top it off, when you are lonely at home on Facebook, listening to Coldplay and stalking those people of both genders you wish were your Valentines, you accidentally find those couples who make obnoxious albums with only pictures of them making-out. Damn it--her face isn't chocolate! Stop tagging yourself in those pictures and get out of my consciousness. Couples like this = THEY!!!