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In This Issue

• Gilded Age Remembered
• A Dutty-Dance with Death
• Cracking the Porcelein Castle
• The Fed Presents: Lessons in Parenting
• The Dodgessy
• A Collection of Haikus
• The Winter In My Soul
• Sometimes Misinformation Can Be Quite Deadly
• The Potomac’s Constitutional Sewage
• Missed Connections
• Bail-outopoly
• The Short List of Columbia University Clubs
• Beastiality Ever-After
• The Party Doesn’t Stop During a Global Recession
• got meth?
• Getting Ass in Class
• From the Archives
• THE FED has this to say
• They Watch
• The Staff

Rowan Buchanan

When Snow White and her Gallant Prince rode off towards a fat white castle on the horizon, markimg the beginning of their "Happily Ever After." But their "after" wasn't all blue birds and highly emotional dwarfs. I should know. I, Noble Steed, am the horse they rode on. I'm also in General Studies at Columbia. Here's what happened during the first minutes of the royal couple's "happy ending":

Prince: Oh Snow White, my fair princess, thou art truly the loveliest in all the land.
Snow White: (Giggle) Thank you, Prince.
Prince: Please, darling. We are engaged now. You can call me Gallant Prince.
Me: Jerk-off.
Prince: What was that, Noble Steed?
Me: Um, nothing. I mean... neeiiiighhhh.
(Prince pats my head)
Snow White: Oh my goodness, Gallant Prince, does our horse talk? I love talking animals! They are my best friends in the whole wide world.
Me: That's fucking weird.
Snow White: (Giggles) Oh my goodness, it is a talking horse! He just said something about your beard!
Prince: No, it doesn't talk, sometimes it just-
Me: Yeah, lady, I'm a talking horse. Like Mr. Ed, except not functionally retarded.
Prince: Damn you, Steed! (to Snow White) Darling, I don't think it's a good idea for you to talk to the horse.
Snow White: But why? Animals are my favorite thing in the whole wide world apart from bunnies and butterflies and-
Me: Stop. You're being redundant.
Prince: (ignoring me) Because it's kind of awkward, if I'm to be perfectly honest. It makes people around you uncomfortable. And while I'm on the topic, why is it that your only friends are animals? Do you realize how not even remotely normal that is?
Me: Says the man who eats pickles with ketchup.
Snow White: Well, I've always felt that animals understood me.
Prince: They don't understand you. I don't even understand you. Maybe this engagement was a bad idea, Snow White.
Snow White: What?
Prince: It's just that you're far more peculiar than I anticipated. I thought I could change you but clearly I was wrong. You're almost as dumb as the horse!
Me: That's it! You can walk back to the castle, jerk-off!
(I throw Prince off my back)
Prince: Owie!
Me: (to Snow White) Come on, sweetcheeks. I like my girls hot and weird.
Snow White: (Giggle) Thank you, Noble Steed. I've always wanted centaur children.

We ride off into the distance. Well, she's riding me. HEYO!

The End.