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In This Issue

• Gilded Age Remembered
• A Dutty-Dance with Death
• Cracking the Porcelein Castle
• The Fed Presents: Lessons in Parenting
• The Dodgessy
• A Collection of Haikus
• The Winter In My Soul
• Sometimes Misinformation Can Be Quite Deadly
• The Potomac’s Constitutional Sewage
• Missed Connections
• Bail-outopoly
• The Short List of Columbia University Clubs
• Beastiality Ever-After
• The Party Doesn’t Stop During a Global Recession
• got meth?
• Getting Ass in Class
• From the Archives
• THE FED has this to say
• They Watch
• The Staff

You might be at St. Lukes...
m4w

We met last week outside Lerner, you were wearing a purple top. You got hit by a car. You were hot while you had legs. I'm feeling a bit down, nothing serious, I'm not some crazy wacko, just could use some cheering up. I'm hoping that that with your recent brush with death and the profound insights it must have given you, you now know some great jokes. I could use a good laugh.
Location: Outside Lerner

Oh Girl, you inspired me to write a song
m4w

"Oh Giiiirrrrrlllll......I like it when you turn the page. Flip that book, and I'm engaged!
Oh Giiiirrrrlllll.....Using a copier turns me onnnn Like it if you'd do it in a thong!
Oh Giiirrrlllll....Might a saw me in the li-brar-y Maybe could you marry me?
Oooo Oooo Oooo"
Location: Butler Copy Room

You looked good in a leotard, so I figured.
m4w

We met at Salsa Dancing, we both love the movie Snatch and hanging out with friends. I recently decided to become a superhero. I think that you'd make a great sidekick, so if you're interested....
Location: Salsa Dancing

Had a good non-sexual time with you.
w4w

Hey you had brown hair with purple streaks, we met at Blockheads, we both like Vodka Tonics. We burnt some effigies together. Anyway, you'd be willing to give me your liver? Cause I remember you saying that you were a virgin and all. I need it to for a sacrifice, LSATs are coming up.
Location: Blockheads

You want to sit on top of the washing machine sometime?
m4w

M. Cohen: you used the washing machine before me in John Jay and I found your pink thong-HOT! You sounded kind of Jewish so if you want to go to Hillel or something sometime I would be so game!
Steve
Location: John Jay laundry room

Never loved the Lerner stairs til now
m4w

So I was standing under the stairs on the 2nd floor of Lerner and you were walking down them in a green skirt. Well, let's just say that you wearing flowy skirts and going commando is a total win for me. I'd like to check all that out up close sometime if you don't mind.
Location: Lerner Hall

Age of Aquarius
m4m&w

Greetings, we met outside Low Library last week. We decided that we'd form a nude folk band to spread the Socialist gospel. I never heard back from you two. Anyways, I I'm still very interested in getting the Marxist tattoo on my ass, if you guys are. Please get back to me. DOWN WITH CLOTHES! DOWN WITH CAPITALISM!
Location: outside Low Library

Are you there God? It's me Margaret.
m4m

I never saw you, but I heard your voice speaking to me outside Uris Hall. I don't think location really matters to you. I have to admit that I never really believed that something like this would ever happen to me. It was enlightening. So I heard you were all knowing, and I was wondering you could tell me who to bet on in my suite's basketball pool? I could really use the cash to buy a PS3. Yeah if you could just get back to me. Or send a messenger if you're busy or something, I'd appreciate it.
Location: Outside Uris Hall

My Seraph with a flaming sword (? you may not have a sword...)
w4?

You were working out in Dodge, you transcend gender, rising above it like an ethereal being. I saw you contemplating me with existential hunger in your eyes. I have a sensation that you'd sympathize with my attempts to release myself from my physical body using ballet and Red Bull. I'd love for you to devour my corporeal prison so that my soul can fly free and connect with the great cosmic Facebook.
Location: Dodge Gym

Want to mindgasm again? YOU MADE THAT WORD UP!
m4m

Yo! Dude! Holler! Knicks Rule!!! YEAH!! Dude you were so passed out on the floor my frat. But that didn't stop us from having an intense telepathic conversation. Super rad mind orgasm! It was deep like really deep like the new Dave Matthews album YEAH! We had a powerful connection, we're like Neo, but two people. You opened the locker in my soul. We totally got to meet up and write some poetry, we could be better than Shakespeare. We'd be the best tag team poet tag team ever since the beginning of time. If I know you, and I know you, I know you are down for that DOGG!
Location: my frat

1020, last week, you stopped making excuses after I smashed your testicles in with a crowbar.
m4m

I thought we had come to an understanding, but perhaps you misheard. You told me you would have my money by today. And now my patience is at an end. I have sent you your girlfriend's ear, care of Federal Express. I trust you will receive it in good condition. She screamed. Oh my, did she scream. You have until midnight. After that, we will be taking the fifty grand you owe me out of her. Your choice.
Location: Your girlfriend's room in Wallach

America's Most Wanted Wants YOU.
m4w

You: voice like nectar, while you still had a tongue... your limbs so firm, ‘til I hobbled you... your eyes were an exotic green, before I took a searing hot spoon to them. Such fun we had in my secret basement (you know the one in the tunnels). I never even caught your name until the trial.
Me: recently escaped from Rikers Island.... eager to resume old games.
Location: Never-Never Land

BORN TO RUN
w4m

Hi, you were staring at me in the Barnard Library. You had this intense look of wisdom in your eyes. I feel that maybe you'd be the one who could find the alien implants in my brain. I'm scared that I've been programmed to dress up as a duckbilled platypus and run around singing Bruce Springsteen songs at the top of my lungs. I have three papers due I don't have time, ahhhh.
Location: Barnard Library

Poopyhead
w4m

you took away my dolly and hit me i was crying and siad that it hurt and then you thrww durt at me and alot of it went iinto my eyes and it hrt a lot and then when yur mommie asked me why i was crying you said it was cus i fellon the gruond but i DIDNNT and uuur a LIAR and i hoope you go to hELL , but my mommie sayd htat boys are only mean if htye like u.... want to hold hands some time??
Location: the lawn where mommie takes me to run aruond and theres also cement and big peopel walking.

WBAR Radio-host
m4w

Hey there WBAR show host between 3 and 5 on Tuesdays, the sound of your voice makes me take off my cloths and touch myself. You play super sexy music-my favorite being Cher! Come to the 11th floor of Carman after your next show for a special after-party. You will know which room.

In the Bowels of Barnard
w4w

I saw you deep in the tunnels underneath Barnard, legs unshaven, hair down to your crack. I don't know if you saw me because of how dark it was and the fact that you might not have made it out of there alive. However, if you read this and want another to get it on underground, meet me under the quad at midnight on the 28th.

You and me baby ain't nothin but mammals
w4m

You're in my Mind, Brain, and Behavior class with the big curly hair who sits in front of me and makes fun of Weidenmeyer's powerpoints pretty loudly. I think the stork one is totally my favorite too. Tadpoles in MSPaint totally show Darwinian theory. Anyway, I'd like to fire your neurons sometime, or some other innuendo that resonates with you. Theory of selectivity? I don't know I think I'm getting a C in the class anyway. Maybe you'd just want to tutor me sometime?
Location: 511 Schermerhorn