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In This Issue

• Gilded Age Remembered
• A Dutty-Dance with Death
• Cracking the Porcelein Castle
• The Fed Presents: Lessons in Parenting
• The Dodgessy
• A Collection of Haikus
• The Winter In My Soul
• Sometimes Misinformation Can Be Quite Deadly
• The Potomac’s Constitutional Sewage
• Missed Connections
• Bail-outopoly
• The Short List of Columbia University Clubs
• Beastiality Ever-After
• The Party Doesn’t Stop During a Global Recession
• got meth?
• Getting Ass in Class
• From the Archives
• THE FED has this to say
• They Watch
• The Staff

Ravaged by Civil War, America was like a child whose parents almost got divorced but didn't and now it's awkward and the kid should probably see a therapist. Except the therapist America saw was drunk and didn't do his job (Reconstruction 1865-1877), so the kid escapes to the city to work long hours in a dirty steel factory (The Second Industrial Revolution 1870-1900). Ahh, the Gilded Age.

I know what you're thinking, "Who cares about the Gilded Age when I can Myspace stalk the guy I met at 1020 last night?!" But you are wrong. The Gilded Age is awesome. And no one uses Myspace anymore.

With new inventions like the telephone, the light bulb, and The Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882, Americans (the white ones) were living it up, tenement-housing style. But who lead us into this era? Who were the captains of America's vertically integrated ship?

The first Gilded Age president was elected by compromise. I know what you're thinking: "Presidents get elected by the Supreme Court." But nay! The Compromise of 1877 gave Republicans, fronted by Rutherford B. Hayes, the White House in exchange for the end of Reconstruction. White Southerners were finally free! As it turns out, Rutherford didn't do much because he had no power and his beard got in the way. He did institute a spoils system, however, the very same one Rod Blagojevich unsuccessfully attempted to resurrect.

After him came James A. Garfield. Just like the cat that bears his name, Garfield was fat and lazy. His presidency, like Hayes', was impotent because of Republican Party infighting between Stalwarts (corrupt people led by Roscoe Conkling) and Half-Breeds (corrupt people lead by James Blaine). J.K. Rowling would later base the term "mudblood" on Half-Breeds in a popular children's series that adults read. A crazed Stalwart assassinated Garfield in 1881.

Then God called upon Chester A. Arthur. Chester A. Arthur said, "Ugh, fine" and moved into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Once in office, however, he did things. He passed The 1883 Pendleton Act, putting an end to the spoils system and making him the first President in seven years to do something. Then, Arthur kept doing things! He passed The Tariff Act of 1883 and The Chinese Exclusion Act, all the while knitting a scarf out of union labor tears. People all over Washington said, "Hey Chester, you're crazy for doing so many things!" Chester responded, "I know, friends, but I just can't stop! Deeedly dee dee!" And that's how vaudeville was born.

Grover Cleveland beat James Blaine in The Election of 1884, better known as the White Men Gone Wild Election because of one drunken incident wherein Cleveland lifted up his shirt and shouted "How you like me now?!" to reporters after a stump speech. Cleveland won because of the Mugwumps (muggle born Dr. Seuss characters with a hatred for all people from Maine, especially James Blaine). Once in office, he lowered the tariff. Chester A. Arthur took it as a personal affront and made fun of him in his new vaudeville act, "Poughkeepsie and Me."

Cleveland was good, but not good enough. Benjamin Harrison, better known as "Little Ben" by those taller than him, was a sprightly little elf of a man at five feet six inches. Harrison did more things than Arthur, if you can believe it! He passed The Sherman Silver Purchase Act, The Pension Act, and the contentious McKinley Tariff, which raised the tariff once again. Chester A. Arthur was livid at this treatment of the tariff, which likened to "a lady you take out to dinner and get to know before you fornicate with." In response Arthur made fun of Little Ben in his new vaudeville act, "Tit for Tariff."

Cleveland won the next election, mainly because "Tit for Tariff" turned popular opinion against Harrison. The children's game Red Rover is based off of a Secret Service Operation "Red Grover," implemented after Cleveland disappeared for three days. Eventually a man named Theodore Roosevelt found him in a park talking to a light post.

And that, my friends, is how the west was won.