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In This Issue

• Gilded Age Remembered
• A Dutty-Dance with Death
• Cracking the Porcelein Castle
• The Fed Presents: Lessons in Parenting
• The Dodgessy
• A Collection of Haikus
• The Winter In My Soul
• Sometimes Misinformation Can Be Quite Deadly
• The Potomac’s Constitutional Sewage
• Missed Connections
• Bail-outopoly
• The Short List of Columbia University Clubs
• Beastiality Ever-After
• The Party Doesn’t Stop During a Global Recession
• got meth?
• Getting Ass in Class
• From the Archives
• THE FED has this to say
• They Watch
• The Staff

The Fed has recently been doing a series on bathroom etiquette, but, alas, this information would be useless if you had no idea where to "drop off the kids", so to speak. Never fear, reader! What follows is a recent study done by a third-party inspection team hired jointly by Facilities Management and Housing Services to evaluate the restrooms across Columbia's campus.

JOHN JAY HALL: C-

Comments: Only fresh paint on the walls precludes swampy floor terrain. Additionally, old bananas found in urinals make for terrible smell.

NOTE: Staff has vendetta against cripples and fat people-toilet paper in handicap stalls resembles splintery plywood.

EAST CAMPUS:
Weekdays: B+;
Weekends: F/A+

Comments: On weekdays, standard yellowed toilets and the occasional overturned trash bin. The F applies only to Columbia College suites on weekends; SEAS suites cleaned compulsively while drinking Red Bull and dreaming of a social life.

WALLACH HALL: Variable

Comments: Bathrooms were claustrophobic. Cleanliness var-ied greatly, making a suitable classification unattainable. General rule of thumb: thickness of grime on suite stove (in inches) corresponds to number of pieces of unidentifiable organic material per square foot.

PUPIN HALL: B-

Comments: Generally clean, but building does not look like it has been renovated since Enrico Fermi used it in 1941. Portrait of Galileo provides nice touch. Nabla form of Maxwell Equations etched into toilet seat left interesting imprint on butt. Wife asks too many questions.

BUTLER LIBRARY:
2nd-4th Floors: D;
5th-6th Floors: B-

Comments: Second floors tiled with toilet paper and urine. Platform seats in handicap stalls make for awkward drafts in sensitive areas during use. Smell leaks into nearby reading rooms. On the fifth and sixth floors: REAL TOILET SEATS. Unexpected. Cautiously welcomed.

URIS HALL: A

Comments: These bathrooms gleam with the shine of golden parachutes. Smells like the Garden of Eden after a gentle spring shower as cherry blossoms flutter in the breeze singing a sad, sweet aria with a violent cadenza. 2000 Chateau Bel-Air red in trash can was nice touch. Hundred dollar bills were more abrasive on bum than previously envisioned.

MUDD HALL: N/A

Comments: Facilities incomprehensible. Toilet appeared to use a binary encoded user interface. Sinks appeared to Japanese in origin with a built-in "11D Seismoscinillaccelotorsiotronometer." Scrawny male found asleep with glasses and portions of linear algebra textbook in bowl.

NOTE: No women's rooms on premises.

LERNER HALL:
Accessible areas: D; Labyrinths: A-*

Comments: For accessible areas, see Butler above. The labyrinths have hidden bathrooms of impeccable cleanliness. Can be found by walking past corridor on fifth floor while concentrating on your desire to use the bathroom and repeatedly saying "I need to pee-pee now" or "I need to poo-poo really bad" as appropriate.

*NOTE: "XCLERATOR" fixtures are amusing but can remove skin from hand.