• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• Gilded Age Remembered
• A Dutty-Dance with Death
• Cracking the Porcelein Castle
• The Fed Presents: Lessons in Parenting
• The Dodgessy
• A Collection of Haikus
• The Winter In My Soul
• Sometimes Misinformation Can Be Quite Deadly
• The Potomac’s Constitutional Sewage
• Missed Connections
• Bail-outopoly
• The Short List of Columbia University Clubs
• Beastiality Ever-After
• The Party Doesn’t Stop During a Global Recession
• got meth?
• Getting Ass in Class
• From the Archives
• THE FED has this to say
• They Watch
• The Staff

Last Tuesday afternoon, six Congressmen were fishing on the Potomac when they found an old list of five articles. Unfamiliar with Constitutional law because they were in Congress, they did not realize their discovery's importance. That is, until carbon dating revealed that the articles were written in the late Quaternary Era-the same time as the Bill of Rights.

Of note is the prescience of what would be the twelfth and thirteenth amendments. The former stipulates that "a mobile population, being necessary for the movement from door to mailbox, the right of the people to drive enormous vehicles shall not be infringed."

The latter states that "in an attack perpetrated by people of Arabia, the President shall have the power to declare war on any part of Arabia and Persia."

Adherents of Federalism hail this discovery as proof of James Madison's existence. It is, apparently, hotly contested among those in the know.

"The Constitution predicted how the Federal government would be run, down to its three branches, and also SUVs and the War on Terror," exclaimed John Jay VII, a leading Federalist. "Only the power of someone like James Madison can be responsible for this. Nonbelievers repent now, or suffer the wrath of the justice system, to the full extent permitted by the 8th Amendment protection against cruel and unusual punishment!"

The other four articles, however, are more disputed, leading to fierce debates over their adoption into the Constitutional canon. This further threatens the already-fragile unity of the Constructionists, divided between the Strict and Loose camps. Strict Constructionists, who believe in a literal interpretation of the Constitution, and that the United States was created in 7 days during 1776 A.D., oppose the adoption.

"The Constitution makes no provision for lost amendments," argued Ron Paul (R-TX), "These Amendments clearly come from the south of the border itself!"

Loose Constructionists, on the other hand, maintain that the Constitution evolved from, among others, the Magna Carta and Declaration of Independence. They favor the changes.

"The Constitution also allowed slavery and banned alcohol," countered Daniel Stanton.

One point of contention is the eleventh amendment, which decreed the alphabetical arrangement of the amendments. That means the First Amendment would follow the Eighteenth, Eighth, and Eleventh amendments. The most outspoken opponent of this order is Lee Bollinger.

"As much as I support prohibition, I can't make a living studying a repealed amendment!" Bollinger protested.

Even more controversial are the fourteenth and fifteenth amendments, which respectively suggest that Benedict Arnold was Washington's rightful successor, and that James Madison was actually a woman.

"I knew it!" said Jim McNary, a member of the Benedictine Order, "There was obviously some Freemasonist conspiracy between Thomas Jefferson and John Adams. Look at the facts: between each other, they covered both major parties!"

The Freemasons dispute these claims. "Those are slanderous lies spread by founding-fatherless femi-states-rightists!" argued John Wharton, a leading Mason, "Just because Madison was practically a eunuch doesn't mean he's a woman!"

While the future of these articles is uncertain, Dan Brown is already writing a new novel about them. Tom Hanks and Nicolas Cage are growing out their hair for a part in the book's film adaptation.