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In This Issue

• Gilded Age Remembered
• A Dutty-Dance with Death
• Cracking the Porcelein Castle
• The Fed Presents: Lessons in Parenting
• The Dodgessy
• A Collection of Haikus
• The Winter In My Soul
• Sometimes Misinformation Can Be Quite Deadly
• The Potomac’s Constitutional Sewage
• Missed Connections
• Bail-outopoly
• The Short List of Columbia University Clubs
• Beastiality Ever-After
• The Party Doesn’t Stop During a Global Recession
• got meth?
• Getting Ass in Class
• From the Archives
• THE FED has this to say
• They Watch
• The Staff

So, it's Spring Break. Lucky you! Your roommate (a.k.a the sexterminator) has finally gone back to New Jersey to visit his mom. Time to get your main squeeze to finally do the deed. Now normally we'd recommend an international trip, roses, a stay at a cute bed and breakfast, and of course, lots and lots of condoms. But have you seen the Dow lately? Yeah. Thought so. Plus you just bought Rock Band. So I've compiled some alternatives.

Original: Cancun

Options: Unfortunately, international travel on a budget is out of the question. So, why not try something a little closer to home? Crazy, easy girls, cheap liquor, sun, and sand? Sun and sand might be hard to come by during the New York winter, but there's a lovely little place called the "Vag at the Barnyard" across the street.

Original: Other Latin American Location

Options: Craving that south-of-the-border feel? Well, if you're looking for the jungle, use the North Woods in Central Park. Chances of an attack by a wild animal equally as likely. For a habited location, use Morningside Park. Chances of an attack by natives equally as likely.

Original: Europe

Options: For the real foreign country feel, it's going to cost ya. $2. Fortunately, the Village is exactly like Europe with NYU being the Amsterdam red-light district.

Original: Bed and Breakfast

Why not go on a road trip? Oh yeah, you're a college student in New York-car? What car? You'd be lucky to have a little red wagon. Okay, so how about a tour of Columbia-bet she's never seen the stacks upside down before, and you can help her find God, oh...God..in Saint Paul's.

Original: Roses

$5 a flower and they only last a week. Who does she think you are, a member of Saint A's? On the other hand, I hear Duane Reade's got Radiant Rose Deodorant for $2.20. It's the gift that keeps on giving. If she looks upset, tell her she'll be grateful after she gets through what you've got planned.

Original: Condoms

Well, you don't want the little man to go skin-diving: after all, babies and kegs don't mix. Now, extensive research at Barnard says hemp scratches like a mother, so that's out the window, and lambskin is so last millennia, darling. Sorry, but I think you're stuck with this one. Still, buy in bulk-it saves money and, hey, with all those locations to, ahem, visit, it'll be worth it.