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In This Issue

• Gilded Age Remembered
• A Dutty-Dance with Death
• Cracking the Porcelein Castle
• The Fed Presents: Lessons in Parenting
• The Dodgessy
• A Collection of Haikus
• The Winter In My Soul
• Sometimes Misinformation Can Be Quite Deadly
• The Potomac’s Constitutional Sewage
• Missed Connections
• Bail-outopoly
• The Short List of Columbia University Clubs
• Beastiality Ever-After
• The Party Doesn’t Stop During a Global Recession
• got meth?
• Getting Ass in Class
• From the Archives
• THE FED has this to say
• They Watch
• The Staff

The beginning of March means two things: late winter snowstorms that catch you with your pants down and your banana hammocks on, and midterms for classes you always went to hungover. Now is when the great burden of a twelve credit courseload crashes down, like SSOL, upon you. You may turn to crack, like the ass of the fat chick in the library sitting right next to you. This month we expose these people (some of whom expose themselves.) Ladies and Gentlemen, this is THEY WATCH!

THE SCENE: Butler Library
THE SITUATION: Your roommate got drunk and brought back a harem of women the night before your ten page term paper is due. Awesome. You put on a shirt and went to Butler Library for a long night of work. At midnight they booted you off the sixth floor. The hours you thought you would spend working diligently become a fight for survival as epic as the early morning bumper car battle for an open parking spot at the mall the day after Thanksgiving. You are a cheetah in the savannah stalking among the high plains with a bookbag, just waiting for a young gazelle to get up so that you may pounce on their study space. You see a chair. Your heart races. Your fists clench around your books. Your pupils constrict. You make your move, when suddenly, out of nowhere, the THEY, walking in the other direction, tosses his jacket onto the chair that was about to be yours. As if in slow motion the THEY claims it.
THE SOLUTION: Punch the THEY. Hard. Then break the THEY's new trendy Macbook and beat your chest declaring yourself King of Butler!! The THEY are out there- Watch Out!!