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In This Issue

• Gilded Age Remembered
• A Dutty-Dance with Death
• Cracking the Porcelein Castle
• The Fed Presents: Lessons in Parenting
• The Dodgessy
• A Collection of Haikus
• The Winter In My Soul
• Sometimes Misinformation Can Be Quite Deadly
• The Potomac’s Constitutional Sewage
• Missed Connections
• Bail-outopoly
• The Short List of Columbia University Clubs
• Beastiality Ever-After
• The Party Doesn’t Stop During a Global Recession
• got meth?
• Getting Ass in Class
• From the Archives
• THE FED has this to say
• They Watch
• The Staff

When I'd rather sit in Butler refreshing my Facebook
Wallowing in a puddle of my own procrastination
Because it is too cold to sunbathe nude on South Lawn
I realize winter has lasted far too long

With wind more abusive than Christopher Brown
The snow on the ground hues of yellow and grey
Even the lights of College Walk have come down
But Mother Nature, torrid bitch, keeps her winter ‘till May

How I miss warm summer days
Roasting like a pig at an all-inclusive Hawaiian resort
‘Till my parents forced Aloe upon me
And I leave the beach to get drunk with my tan friends

Kindly wrap up those tarps and give back our fake greens
Please stop salting the ground like it's an M2M fry
Come out, damned sun
Stop being a pussy.