• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• Spec: Spectador to close due to insufficient funding
• Spec: Alfred Lerner Hall purchased by Apple
• Spec: Columbia to annex East Prussia
• FEDBASH
• Emo-Kid? More like Elmo-kid. Communist!
• The Complete Idiot's Guide to Tactlessness
• Top 11 Things to Do At Columbia (Fed Edition)
• Roaree Roars and Millie Whores
• The Colombia Daily Spectador (The Fed Version)
• Spec Sports: Gay wrestling, the new ice breaker?
• Spec: Bollinger's Journal, April 1st 2009
• Spec: Jody's Droppings
• Spec: Acceptance letter for class of 2013
• Passover and Easter: A Numbers Game
• Relax, It's Only a Movie
• You Haven’t Seen War Until You’ve Seen it Through the Eyes of a Basement-Dwelling Teenager
• The Fed Within A Pie Graph
• Clothes Hipsters Wear
• THE FED has this to say
• They Watch
• The Staff

Emily Hoffman

Apple Sponsorship: 24 Hour genius bar to replace Cafe 212

With the recent economic downturn in mind, Columbia officials announced yesterday that the university has decided to sell off its most fragile student landmark to one of corporate America's fruitiest companies. Over the summer, Apple plans to convert Alfred Lerner Hall into Manhattan's largest Apple store. Apple representative Sheila Roberts comments, "This choice is definitely a smart move for the company. We're thrilled that Columbia was willing to sell out their students for the benefit of a major corporation like us." Apple stocks took a modest jump soon after the news was released, as many investors anticipate that the company's definitive presence among affluent and fiscally irresponsible Ivy Leagers will increase the company's overall sales by over 35%. "It's like releasing an un-neutered male dog into Barnard," explains this kid who sits next to me in my economics class. "Girls will be all over that shit."

When President Lee Bollinger was asked about the sale, he responded, "What's the big deal? Everyone likes Apple. You're welcome, student body."

Apple has already announced a handful of changes it looks to make by the year's end. Building access will be touch sensitive, all furniture will have bold, modern colored plastic coverings, and Lerner's Information Desk will be transformed into a brushed aluminum Genius Bar, exclusively serving Natural Ice and Vitamin Water.

Other changes include a campus-wide speaker system set to play perky tunes by up-and-coming indie bands with female lead singers. In addition, due to a lower threat of viruses on campus, immunization has been made optional and Health Service's obsessive-compulsive condom distribution has decreased considerably. Apple had originally planned to distribute iPhones to the entire Columbia undergraduate student body, but then realized that the move would have been a redundant expenditure.

The news has sparked campus protest on both sides of the issue. Pro-Windows activists [read: SEAS students] showed a poorly put together Powerpoint presentation on the Low Library steps. In counter-protest, pro-iLife groups organized a multi-racial poetry jam and hookah circle on the Sundial. Linux users were too busy masturbating to images of low priced RAM to make a presence.

My roommate, 18, is excited for the big change on campus, explaining that he "can't wait to spend hours listening to Apple Geniuses explain computer parts in terms of everyday things." Some guy from my Lit Hum class, 19, is less thrilled with the news. "I am very disappointed with this choice," he declared. "Losing a glass landmark like Lerner obviously represents the metaphoric loss of administrative transparency and student innocence." He then shouted, "I'm a PC! I'M A PC!" until his arrest by campus security.

Construction is set to begin at the end of May. All clubs that currently meet at Lerner will be assigned to Carmen doubles, and the mail room will be temporarily moved to the Columbia University subway station until the school continues to expand its campus into Washington Heights.