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In This Issue

• Spec: Spectador to close due to insufficient funding
• Spec: Alfred Lerner Hall purchased by Apple
• Spec: Columbia to annex East Prussia
• FEDBASH
• Emo-Kid? More like Elmo-kid. Communist!
• The Complete Idiot's Guide to Tactlessness
• Top 11 Things to Do At Columbia (Fed Edition)
• Roaree Roars and Millie Whores
• The Colombia Daily Spectador (The Fed Version)
• Spec Sports: Gay wrestling, the new ice breaker?
• Spec: Bollinger's Journal, April 1st 2009
• Spec: Jody's Droppings
• Spec: Acceptance letter for class of 2013
• Passover and Easter: A Numbers Game
• Relax, It's Only a Movie
• You Haven’t Seen War Until You’ve Seen it Through the Eyes of a Basement-Dwelling Teenager
• The Fed Within A Pie Graph
• Clothes Hipsters Wear
• THE FED has this to say
• They Watch
• The Staff

Rowan Buchanan

When the young Brian Milbank showed up at the Society for the Emotionally Intense's Emotion Convention-known affectionately to its attendees as the Emoticon-he was disturbed. Instead of the sea of black clothes juxtaposed against pale faces that he expected, he was surrounded by a mob of pink.

After stopping a passerby to inquire the source of this apparent calamity, he was asked "Don't you read?" and tossed the newest copy of Vogue. Sprawled across the front cover, just underneath a picture of a scantily-clad Miley Cyrus, was the headline: "Pink is the new black."

Embarrassed by his obvious fashion blunder, he quickly borrowed a pink tie from a friend so that he could properly express his individuality with an identical look.

Brian is not alone. The switch within what many sociologists refer to as "the emo world" has shocked the scene. Experts have traced the trend back to a recent Vogue cover featuring Pete Wentz. One convention-goer said "If Pete Wentz agrees with this magazine, I'll follow it anywhere.

Asked about the Pete Wentz Cover, Vogue Executive Editor Miranda Priestly responded, "We were trying for an edgier appeal. We underestimated Mr. Wentz. We had no idea the effect that this would have." As for the article that sparked the shift: "We were informing women of the new trend in handbags, not attempting to modify a cultural movement, and certainly not trying to influence highly emotional, unattractive youth."

Nigel Barker, the head of the handbag division at Vogue and the author of the piece, admitted that this is not the first time Vogue has reached far beyond its target audience. "Unfashionable, ugly people often steal the advice we mean for the more physically gifted, but I have never seen it done en masse like this. It's really tragic. Their pallor totally clashes with such an intense color."

Many members of the community are confused themselves. "My clothing is supposed to reflect my soul," muttered one convention attendee from behind his long greasy bangs, "My soul is filled with death and misery. Misery isn't pink." When asked why he had given up his black clothes to fit the trend, the subject became defensive: "I don't follow trends. But everyone was wearing pink."

Another of the "emo kids" bemoaned the shift because of the color's connotations. "If two guys with tight black pants, heavy black eye makeup, and eyebrow piercings make out, it's an expression of their individuality and emotionality. If two guys wearing all pink kiss, it's just gay."

While it may confuse the masses, many influential members of the movement have hailed the trend. "Black was not unique enough to express the individuality of thousands of identical people," claimed the president of the North American Masochist Bleeding and Laceration Association, or NAMBLA, Chris Rutter. "The color has been claimed by goths, punks and metal heads for decades. Pink is ours."

While the movement comes to terms with such a paradigm shift, businesses have already begun profiting. Victoria's Secret's Pink collection has seen a spike in sales with the release of a new line of themed T-shirts. These shirts will have text such as, "This shirt used to be white, but I rubbed it on my wrists." One shirt, proclaiming, "You laugh because I'm different, I laugh because you're all the same," has already had nearly 5 million pre-orders.

Hot Topic, the store of choice for the suburban emo, has rapidly shifted its color scheme to keep abreast of the trend. Despite such timely action, back orders of black t-shirts have piled up. "I'm not sure what we're supposed to do with all of these now that the emos don't want them," worried Mark Eeter, head of sales. "Nobody in their right mind would actually pay for them."