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In This Issue

• Spec: Spectador to close due to insufficient funding
• Spec: Alfred Lerner Hall purchased by Apple
• Spec: Columbia to annex East Prussia
• FEDBASH
• Emo-Kid? More like Elmo-kid. Communist!
• The Complete Idiot's Guide to Tactlessness
• Top 11 Things to Do At Columbia (Fed Edition)
• Roaree Roars and Millie Whores
• The Colombia Daily Spectador (The Fed Version)
• Spec Sports: Gay wrestling, the new ice breaker?
• Spec: Bollinger's Journal, April 1st 2009
• Spec: Jody's Droppings
• Spec: Acceptance letter for class of 2013
• Passover and Easter: A Numbers Game
• Relax, It's Only a Movie
• You Haven’t Seen War Until You’ve Seen it Through the Eyes of a Basement-Dwelling Teenager
• The Fed Within A Pie Graph
• Clothes Hipsters Wear
• THE FED has this to say
• They Watch
• The Staff

The Fed has compiled a list of college experiences at Columbia University that oddly resemble certain popular films:

The Michael Bay Experience: While the name Columbia is REALLY BIG AND IMPRESSIVE you find that in actual substance, it is lacking.

The Truman Show experience: Any time you try to leave Morningside Heights, something happens that forces you to stay. Also, your father was killed during a crew team accident (Go Lions!) but then you see him again on the bus up to the medical center.

The Replacements Experience: You go to a Columbia football game. They lose pretty consistently.

The Judd Apatow Experience: You're in GS but you're not creepy.

The Saw Film Experience: Columbia is like a death trap that you want to escape from as soon as possible, even if you have to kill someone else to do it.

The Usual Suspects Experience: You start Columbia working to solve the mystery of how to get a high paying finance "job" only to find out too late these "jobs" are really an elaborate fiction crafted by the devil himself.

The New Star Wars Experience: You have to deal with annoying pointless people, and you keep hearing about how college was so much better in your parent's day. Great hairstyles, though.

The Fast and the Furious Experience: You're banging your girlfriend but then you realize she's a cop doubling as a triad.

The Rocky Experience: Hungover and late for class, final ascension of the Low steps warrants a sweaty, proud fist pump. You will graduate victorious, but be typecast as a nerd for the rest of your life.

The M. Night Shyamalan Experience: Everybody looks like the walking dead, strange circles appear beneath your eyes, things are always happening, but you're not sure what they are. And when you graduate you find out that your degree is worthless.

The Rainman Experience: You realize after six months that the weird guy everything thinks is an idiot savant in your Music Hum class is actually retarded.

The Quentin Tarantino Experience: You feel as if you've been thrown into the middle of something, and your entire education seems to consist of sharp dialogue but nothing else. Also there are drugs and some blood occasionally.

The Steven Spielberg Experience: You go to Hillel a lot, and sometimes see this guy who has really big eyes and is really short...and is a little wrinkly for only being 19. Also, whenever you go running through Riverside Park, really big scaly dogs tend to attack you, which is completely unwarranted.

The Casablanca Experience: You meet a beautiful girl at a party and you banter flirtaciously and meaningfully to your favorite song. Then, she goes home with a boring, rich tool.

The Van Wilder Experience: You keep getting fucked over by the Core, and none of your classes count for Cultural Diversity. This is your 11th semester at Columbia. Perks: you keep getting older, but the girls stay the same age.

The 2001: A Space Odyssey Experience: You meet a girl who looks like a monolith, who sends you on an epic journey through New York. After trekking all around, you never fucking get any.

The Harry Potter Experience: On your 17th birthday, you receive a letter informing you of your acceptance to a mysterious elite institution only accessible by train. Over the years, you encounter many strange people who demand much of you (like the Hobo King, who demands your spare change). Also your advisor is out to kill you. Once a year, every year.

The Bambi Experience: You call home tell you mom about your straight As, but she's dead.

The Juno Experience: You are a 17-year-old freshman. You find yourself hilariously pregnant from some nice, quiet boy from your History of Poetics class. You then proceed to tell all of your friends about it in cute, snarky quips.

The Clockwork Orange Experience: You take a drunk girl home from PIKE, that old milk bar, and give ‘er the ol' in-out-in-out. After a bit of the ol' ultra-violence with you and some of your drugges, you cut off her cloths and sing, I'm singing in the rain!

The Milk Experience: James Franco's here.

The Twilight Experience: You fall in love with Columbia only to discover it's a bloodthirsty, murderous creature without a soul. Also, it will never have sex with you.

The Last of the Mohicans Experience: Columbia will cut into your chest and literally rip your bleeding liberal heart out.

The Clint Eastwood Experience: College is a lonely experience that leaves you unforgiven for all the stupid hipster shit that you've done, but that doesn't matter. The Core has made you a hardass living on the Frontiers of Science laying down the law. Make my day. Really.

The Inspirational Sports Movie Experience: N/A, unless "The Great Debaters" counts.

The Mobster Movie Experience: Columbia Greek Life and secret societies are great! It's like a giant family. Only you never speak against the family. Take it to the mattresses the wrong way, and you might have to worry about a certain one-eyed monster's head ending up at the foot of your bed to go with a side of paddled ass cheeks. What are you prepared to do?

The Brazil Experience: You get your form signed in quadruplicate by department A, B, C only to find out in the month it took you to do this that the policy has changed and now you need three more signatures, including one from a professor on sabbatical in a hut in Ethiopia, all by yesterday.

The Alice in Wonderland Experience: Come to Fed Bash April 10th in the Lerner Party Space. You'll see. (Bring mushrooms!)