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In This Issue

• Spec: Spectador to close due to insufficient funding
• Spec: Alfred Lerner Hall purchased by Apple
• Spec: Columbia to annex East Prussia
• FEDBASH
• Emo-Kid? More like Elmo-kid. Communist!
• The Complete Idiot's Guide to Tactlessness
• Top 11 Things to Do At Columbia (Fed Edition)
• Roaree Roars and Millie Whores
• The Colombia Daily Spectador (The Fed Version)
• Spec Sports: Gay wrestling, the new ice breaker?
• Spec: Bollinger's Journal, April 1st 2009
• Spec: Jody's Droppings
• Spec: Acceptance letter for class of 2013
• Passover and Easter: A Numbers Game
• Relax, It's Only a Movie
• You Haven’t Seen War Until You’ve Seen it Through the Eyes of a Basement-Dwelling Teenager
• The Fed Within A Pie Graph
• Clothes Hipsters Wear
• THE FED has this to say
• They Watch
• The Staff

Adam Weiler

This morning, in a joint statement with the chancellor of the University Senate, President Lee C. Bollinger announced Columbia's finalized expansion plan. In response to cries from the student body condemning the demolition of historic buildings on 115th St. coupled with the university's long-time plans for expansion, Bollinger met with chancellor and newly tenured professor, Hilderic Tobitz der Lermach-Wallenstein to devise a more suitable plan. Along with a faction of particularly disgruntled faculty at Deutsches Haus, Lermach-Wallenstein and Bollinger concluded that the best way to approach what had become known as the "expansion obstruction," would be to annex East Prussia.

"Columbia has long been trampled underfoot in the US News rankings by the academically inferior. It is time again for Columbia to expand and make its presence felt in the land where our rich tradition was born!" stated Lermach-Wallenstein, to which Bollenger added a huffy, "Yes, and fuck U. Penn," though he asked for it to be stricken from the record.

"We were once King's College; it is time to stop being treated like peasants," exclaimed Lermach-Wallenstein, "and besides, the quality of Dining Services veinerschnitzel has long been deficient."

Lermach-Wallenstein, a scholar of pre-modern Germanic geopolitics, has recently traced back Columbia's origins to the Teutonic Order that founded East Prussia. His work Das Kumpf der Teutonic Knightzenstein, illuminates the glorious known history of the Order, from their origin as aids to other Roman Catholics attempting to make the pilgrimage to the Holy Land, to their defeat of Count Dracula during their brief stint in Transylvania, after which they invaded Prussia and converted the Old Baltic Prussians to Christianity.

Only recently did Lermach-Wallenstein discover the previously unknown fact that Samuel Johnson was not, in fact, a priest in the Church of England, but rather an underground Teutonic Knight of the Order. The first classes of "King's College," the seeming opponent to the Presbyterian New Jersey College (now, Princeton), were taught solely Philosophy classes instructed by Johnson. Little did we know that these "philosophy lessons" were really instruction and training to be Knights of the Order. It was all very hush-hush, really. Lermach-Wallenstein hypothesizes that these lessons ceased after the looting of the library during the Revolutionary War after several very important books were burned. With this timeline, Hamilton and Jay both would have been trained in the arts of the Order, which explains the Federalist Papers quite well indeed. Among other arguments, Lermach-Wallenstein claims that "In lumine Tuo videbimus lumen" was actually a battle cry for the Teutonic Knights in the early 13th Century.

With this rich history in mind, Lermach-Wallenstein and Bollinger see no harm or foul in appropriating the motherland. Columbia plans to use the now Polish state as the center of a new upperclassmen housing, "Wunterkind Village," in addition to housing the bulk of the University's proposed genetic research and Germanic Studies facilities. East Prussia's prime coastal location and fertile lands also make it an ideal location for further academic expansion.

Not everyone is happy with the expansion plan, however. A dedicated group of students, faculty, and East Prussian nationalists have formed the core of the opposition to the new annexation plan. This group had been very vocal on campus until recently, with protests at the sundial and a new hunger strike. However, none of these community activists could be reached for comment, and no one has seen them in nearly a week.

Despite widespread tension at the recent turn of events, the international academic community at large supported Lermach-Wallenstein's and Columbia's efforts after intense discussion at the 71st International Scholar's Symposium in Munich last week. It was determined that "H. T. Lermach-Wallenstein and Columbia are merely acting on historical precedent to regain their rightful place in the international academic community," as Symposium members stated in a recent press release.

Professor Gary Chamberlain of Harvard University returned to Cambridge yesterday holding a copy of the statement proclaiming that he carried in his hands the key to intellectual "peace in our time." In an unrelated note, Harvard released a press statement this morning that they plan to annex Ethiopia next fall after several genealogists discovered that their namesake, John Harvard, is actually the heir of the biblical King Solomon and the Queen of Sheba.

As to concerns of logistical complication with the new East Prussia campus, the Fu Foundation School of Engineering and Applied Science unveiled a new Mach 20 Scram Jet monorail among other technological wonders that will run from Morningside Heights to Königsberg direct 24/7. However, there will be no express service on weekends.