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Colombia Spectador
Issue 24.7: April 2009
Posted: April 1, 2009

Roaree Roars and Millie Whores

Phallis Maximus

Rowan Buchanan

This morning, Morningside Heights stood in silent shock. Residents, tourists, and students alike were flabbergasted among the smoking piles of rubble, staring in disbelief at what just hours before was a vibrant community.

Even more shocking than the estimated more than $100 million of damage was the source of the devastation.

A strange confluence of events is to blame, stemming from a fight between two beloved community figures, Roaree the Columbia Lion and Millie the Barnard Bear. Both mascots had accidentally received a memo to appear at the Columbia Women's Basketball game.

Normally such an incident wouldn't be a problem, but friends close to the mascots say that the two had a "falling out" due to a collection of online photos showing Millie cheating on Roaree with Brown's Brown Bear.

During the halftime festivities, Millie accidentally stepped on Roaree's left paw during an otherwise lethargic rendition of "Sweet Caroline."
It was not long before the audience was screaming for blood, yelling chants of "FIGHT! FIGHT!" and "GET THAT LUSTY WENCH, YOU DESERVE BETTER!" filled the air.

Little did fans know that they were about to get more than they bargained for due to a freak accident in the Nevis Annex at Pupin Physics Laboratories. A stray laser beam collided with radioactive material, which created a shockwave that tore through the building. 50 were killed instantly before the shockwave hit Levien Gymnasium some seven nanoseconds later after the explosion.

Columbia fans screamed in agony as their genetic codes were irrevocably changed, taking them and Roaree and Millie grew 50 ft. tall. Roaree also developed Inferno breath, laser eyes, and an immutable "Echo of the Hudson Valley," while Millie retained the ability to sleep with a hundred guys in one night.

Millie was immediately flung backwards into Havemeyer Hall and cooked in Roaree's newfound flames as Roaree yelled, "YOU ALWAYS DID LIKE IT HOT!"

Millie then gave Roaree a face full of bear claw and sent him hurtling into Mathematics Hall. Fortunately, no one was inside Friday night to be hurt by this particular collision.

Millie's insatiable appetite for Columbia men took a perverse turn as she gobbled up unsuspecting innocents along College Walk. Roaree screamed in agony causing flame to envelope the entirety of the Columbia campus, as the food in John Jay Dining Hall was at long last brought to a temperature safe for consumption while Roaree's optic laser beams lanced through the entire community.

The Hudson boiled as the Cathedral of St. John the Divine simmered (again) in the chill of the night. Such a sight had been seen since Godzilla's 1964 battle with Mothra in Nagoya. The spectacle could be seen in all of the five boroughs and into New Jersey, but Roaree's immutable screams could not be heard past 95th St. due to a traffic jam and a Jonas Brothers sighting.

After three hours of battling, Roaree struggled with Millie in a rear naked chokehold at 125th and Broadway when he heard a gurgling groan, "I'm sorrrry...I didn't mean to...drunk again...still love you..." Roaree released Millie and gazed into her eyes, the heat of the surrounding smoldering flames matched by the passion in their eyes. At first, Roaree was a little shy since some of the students still appeared to have functioning corneas. However, Millie reassured him that she was used to the audience.

The ensuing make-up sex lasted until dawn and left Manhattanville completely flattened, allowing Columbia University to make up the losses to its Morningside campus with the saved demolition and removal costs at Manhattanville.