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In This Issue

• Spec: Spectador to close due to insufficient funding
• Spec: Alfred Lerner Hall purchased by Apple
• Spec: Columbia to annex East Prussia
• FEDBASH
• Emo-Kid? More like Elmo-kid. Communist!
• The Complete Idiot's Guide to Tactlessness
• Top 11 Things to Do At Columbia (Fed Edition)
• Roaree Roars and Millie Whores
• The Colombia Daily Spectador (The Fed Version)
• Spec Sports: Gay wrestling, the new ice breaker?
• Spec: Bollinger's Journal, April 1st 2009
• Spec: Jody's Droppings
• Spec: Acceptance letter for class of 2013
• Passover and Easter: A Numbers Game
• Relax, It's Only a Movie
• You Haven’t Seen War Until You’ve Seen it Through the Eyes of a Basement-Dwelling Teenager
• The Fed Within A Pie Graph
• Clothes Hipsters Wear
• THE FED has this to say
• They Watch
• The Staff

A Brief Introduction to Tactlessness
In This Chapter

• What is tactlessness?
• Why is tactlessness important?
• How does tactlessness relate to my everyday life?

Tact•less•ness
Tactlessness means to have or show an excessive lack of social skill and sensitivity in dealing with others or with difficult interpersonal issues. In more simple terms, this means having little to no perception of what is considered acceptable in social situations. However, tactlessness is more than a comedic remark at a funeral or the gentle caressing of your ex-girlfriend's rear as she walks down the aisle to marry your best friend. Full-blown tactlessness, au contraire, is a much subtler science. To be utterly tactless requires that the tactless individual knowingly abandon his or her sense of tact in order to heighten high-tension situations, make awkward situations more awkward, further exploit lewd situationss, and expose them for the utter farce that they generally are.

When and How to be Tactless: a Primer

1. When intoxicated
   1. Especially when at a Fraternity House, even more so when at a Sorority House, and even more so when at Barnard.
   2. Used in context:
      1. At a Frat House: "See that ho over there, I would totally bang her any day, any position, no hat!" "Dude, that's your sister!"
      2. At a Sorority House: "Who'll blow me for $10?"
      3. At Barnard: "Who'll blow me for $10 a cupcake?"
2. When at a formal ceremony
   1. Especially that of someone you do (did) not know well but who was a close friend or relative of someone you do know well or an awkward social acquaintance ("friends of friends").
   2. Used in Context:
      1. At your best friend's mother's funeral: "Dude, bummer your mom died; she was hot. Where's the food?"
      2. St. Patrick's Day in Dublin: Wear an orange jump suit and an Oliver Cromwell hat.
      3. High school graduation: "Congratulations, [name]! Your bounds are limitless!"
      4. Any ceremony during a slow song with lots of couples on the dance floor: Hardcore sweaty grinding across the floor in flamboyant colors while your friends scream, "SHAKE THAT CANDY ASS INTO MY MARTINI!"
3. In an awkward situation
   1. Sexually awkward situations are by far the best, assuming you can handle innuendoes and double entendres the way you handle yourself.
   2. Used in Context:
      1. When walking into your room to find your roommate and a girl drunk and naked: "Bill, that looks like just like the girl you had sex with last week. Hope you don't have gonorrhea (or some other more exotic sounding STD), too!"
      2. When you realize that a girl wants to hook up with your best friend and you walk up to her and say: "If I had a dollar for every girl he gave the clap to, I would put a lot of one dollar bills into your cleavage to the sound of fervent applause!"
      3. When two friends accidentally hook up when drunk, and one the next morning asks: "So, did you do anyone interesting last night?" (Or "Aw, how cute! Matching hickeys!")
4. Social Situations which beg mockery
   1. Need I explain?
   2. Used in context:
      1. When someone is upset that they were left out of a social gathering, say: "You never complained the other times you didn't know we were going out without you!"
      2. When your roommate forgets to clean the dishes for the umpteenth time: "So, I didn't know you only clean the dishes when you take a shower-how many months is that?"
      3. Whenever you see anyone "checking themselves out" in a clothing store mirror: "Honey, it's not the dress. Use that money to buy a Diet Coke and a treadmill."
5. Angry Letters that both mock and bring mockery upon themselves
   1. Written often to someone you know well, or an organization that is so large it would never read your complaint but merely hand it down to some poor soul of an intern who is forced to read the company's criticism for hours yet has absolutely no ability to make any changes or even send a response.
   2. Used in context:
      1. Begin with a great epigram such as: 1) Illegitimus non carborundum 2) "Wouldn't the social fabric come undone/ If we were wholly frank with everyone" from Moliere's The Misanthrope 3)"One of the most salient features of our culture is that there is so much bullshit" from Harry G. Frankfurt's On Bullshit
      2. Continue using overly proper language that is both obnoxious and obscene which berates the receiver of the letter for something that they have little to no control over.
      3. Conclude with a delightfully tacky salutation such as: 1) Good Job Jackass 2) Sincerely, Disappointed 3) Your Day Will Come, Dick

Conclusion
Tactlessness is more than a word; tactlessness can and should be a way of life. It is the intentional mocking of a situation by inappropriate action. Tactlessness is the one internationally recognized way to express displeasure and simultaneously entertain the not-so-serious bystanders in any situation. Therefore, it is imperative, necessary, proper, and crucial to the post-modern dialectic to be utterly tactless!