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In This Issue

• Spec: Spectador to close due to insufficient funding
• Spec: Alfred Lerner Hall purchased by Apple
• Spec: Columbia to annex East Prussia
• FEDBASH
• Emo-Kid? More like Elmo-kid. Communist!
• The Complete Idiot's Guide to Tactlessness
• Top 11 Things to Do At Columbia (Fed Edition)
• Roaree Roars and Millie Whores
• The Colombia Daily Spectador (The Fed Version)
• Spec Sports: Gay wrestling, the new ice breaker?
• Spec: Bollinger's Journal, April 1st 2009
• Spec: Jody's Droppings
• Spec: Acceptance letter for class of 2013
• Passover and Easter: A Numbers Game
• Relax, It's Only a Movie
• You Haven’t Seen War Until You’ve Seen it Through the Eyes of a Basement-Dwelling Teenager
• The Fed Within A Pie Graph
• Clothes Hipsters Wear
• THE FED has this to say
• They Watch
• The Staff

This issue, the Fed has chosen to let our dear readers use the pitchforks and tridents which they usually employ in kinky sex (and to skewer the normal hoodlums given the title "THEY") to rally behind the Fed's list of demands which must be met with all deliberate speed. I hold these Truths as self-evident and Necessary and Proper to the continued functioning of Columbia University and the Universe as a whole. These magnificent demands are enumerated herein:

1. Racks
The Fed demands big, bouncy, luscious racks to improve readership, enhance distribution, and arouse campus interest. The epic lack of racks has caused our readership to be soft and slightly impotent. This is a problem that needs addressing NOW. I beseech you, friends, Romans, countrymen; BIG RACKS can be the pride and glory of this paper and Columbia University itself. Racks so big you need two hands to grab them will 1) save the economy, 2) help us win football games, and 3) increase alcohol sales when trying to get ass. Tell me you haven't dreamed of big racks before--of blowing across them gently, feeling them respond to your light touch. We share the same dreams, reader. It is more than imperative that the Fed's demands for big, beautiful, voluptuous racks be met.

2. Pro-choice, bi-directional revolving doors
In a world of diversity and pluralistic interests, it seems more than necessary that the age-old stereotype of a one-way revolving door be finally put to rest. Resist cultural insensitivity and stop forcing revolving doors to only spin one way, or history, too, will be doomed to a similar fate. Experimentation is a-okay to the Fed, as long as it involves leather or cherry chapstick. As we view doors as the threshold between buildings and the cold outdoors, let us too view the revolving door as a threshold between enlightenment and barbaric behavioralism. LET THE REVOLVING DOOR CHOOSE, EVIL REPUBLICANS.

3. Replacement carpets.
Everywhere. Seriously. They're making my shoes smell all nasty.

4. Maid services at the offices in Lerner
We're busy students and can't be expected to clean up after our Tostitos bags and PBR cans and slightly soggy pornographic magazines. The Fed office is truly disgusting right now, with those Ask Alice postcards with "vulva" and "penis" written in cursive strewn across desks and leftover papers in unloved heaps and congealed beer on the floor and Jester editors tied up with hemp. Give me MAID SERVICES or give me another Chicks with Dicks mag.

5. Ban on niche-niche words
The following enumerated words are banes that accost the ear and abuse the mind and are blemishes on the face of the English language:
- moist
- squelch
- normative
- ointment
- mulch
- rural
- irregardless
Fornicators found using the above words should be sent to the stocks. Serious indulgers in word buggery shall be guillotined publicly on Alma Mater's lap. RE-ESTABLISH THE PURITY OF THE ENGLISH VERNACULAR.

6. Entertainment on Lerner ramps
Glass House Rocks does not count. We mean REAL entertainment that takes advantage of Lerner's unique architecture. Like a giant hamster wheel on Lerner 6, or a live-action Donkey Kong competition. A GIANT HAMSTER would be awesome.