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In This Issue

• Spec: Spectador to close due to insufficient funding
• Spec: Alfred Lerner Hall purchased by Apple
• Spec: Columbia to annex East Prussia
• FEDBASH
• Emo-Kid? More like Elmo-kid. Communist!
• The Complete Idiot's Guide to Tactlessness
• Top 11 Things to Do At Columbia (Fed Edition)
• Roaree Roars and Millie Whores
• The Colombia Daily Spectador (The Fed Version)
• Spec Sports: Gay wrestling, the new ice breaker?
• Spec: Bollinger's Journal, April 1st 2009
• Spec: Jody's Droppings
• Spec: Acceptance letter for class of 2013
• Passover and Easter: A Numbers Game
• Relax, It's Only a Movie
• You Haven’t Seen War Until You’ve Seen it Through the Eyes of a Basement-Dwelling Teenager
• The Fed Within A Pie Graph
• Clothes Hipsters Wear
• THE FED has this to say
• They Watch
• The Staff

1. Stalk an Imaginary Celebrity.

Anyone can stalk a real famous person; show that you can think outside the box by stalking someone who does not even exist. (Note if you attend Church/Synagogue/Mosque on a semi regular basis you got this one covered.)

2. Walk across College Walk with one eye closed backwards.

The one eye will allow you to feel what it's like to be a pirate and the backwardness is for your protection. Because 5/8ths of all attacks come from the rear, and 71.7% of all rear attacks always sometimes come from the front of the back.

3. Fetch, Sit, Rollover, Rinse, Repeat

4. Go Moose Hunting in Butler.

For the kill to be most in harmony with feng shui, use bullets made from the tears of MILFS.

5. Dance the Tango with the Alma Mater.

It doesn't matter if you don't know how to tango, just fake it, let the music flow through you. The important thing is that you don't grope her ass, cause that's a law suit you wont be able to handle, plus you don't wanna know where that Ass has been. (hint: Communist Russia).

6. Participate in a Viking raid on Carmen.

Remember to continue to believe in yourself, otherwise you might disappear in a paradox. Also if you see the virgin mary, you need new glasses.

7. Hold a Conversation about Latin American Politics in Iambic Hexameter.

Gain extra points if you can add the economic theories of Gabriel Garcia Marquez to the discussion.

8. Achieve the consciousness of a Stale Glazed Donut.

Note that eating a glue stick is not enough but it's a good start.

9. Splice the DNA of a Black Cat with a Four Leaf Clover.

Creating a creature both lucky and unlucky; the opposing forces may exert so much strain on each other that the resulting explosion will will result in a tiny universe for you to play with. (Much better than a class ring.)

10. Search for the Lost Treasure of Alexander Hamilton in the Barnard Tunnels.

(We suggest you bring lots of matches, tampons, and a rubber duck with you)

11. Bake Cookies in the Shapes of the 30 most significant Scientific Discoveries in the past 100 years.

Then feed them to an English major. We're pretty sure that the internal trauma will be hilarious, like the Three Stooges, or maybe even a Helen Keller Joke.

12. Go to Fed Bash.