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In This Issue

• Spec: Spectador to close due to insufficient funding
• Spec: Alfred Lerner Hall purchased by Apple
• Spec: Columbia to annex East Prussia
• FEDBASH
• Emo-Kid? More like Elmo-kid. Communist!
• The Complete Idiot's Guide to Tactlessness
• Top 11 Things to Do At Columbia (Fed Edition)
• Roaree Roars and Millie Whores
• The Colombia Daily Spectador (The Fed Version)
• Spec Sports: Gay wrestling, the new ice breaker?
• Spec: Bollinger's Journal, April 1st 2009
• Spec: Jody's Droppings
• Spec: Acceptance letter for class of 2013
• Passover and Easter: A Numbers Game
• Relax, It's Only a Movie
• You Haven’t Seen War Until You’ve Seen it Through the Eyes of a Basement-Dwelling Teenager
• The Fed Within A Pie Graph
• Clothes Hipsters Wear
• THE FED has this to say
• They Watch
• The Staff

Stephen Chan

Following much speculation, United Artists finally announced last week that it has begun production of the movie based on events in the World War II game, Battlefield 1942. Under the direction of Zack Snyder (300, Watchmen), the film will tell the untold story of a ragtag squad of soldiers who fought both sides of every battle of the war, from the Battle over Britain to Midway.

"It was a genius move," said Paula Wagner, one of UA's producers, "After this year, we thought that we've exhausted every filmable part of World War II. But then somebody mentioned that this one game by Electronic Arts covered the war in every way at once. And it has everything! Action: the soldiers are racing against time to decrease their enemies' ticket count to zero. Glory: the men are claiming outposts for their countries by waiting near them. A comeback story: the heroes don't let multiple deaths keep them from achieving victory."

The biggest challenge, Snyder, notes, will be making the film faithful to the actual events. For that purpose, he is selecting a cast that matches the polygonal, expressionless faces of all the soldiers. Tom Cruise, Jude Law and Keanu Reeves are already respectively playing SiLentAsSaSsin, -=Snypa=- and |-|4x0rz_1337357_9845, three leading members of the squad. Other actors will have to botox their faces more than usual.

"When I go out and see somebody like SiLentAsSaSsin," says Cruise, "I know only I can play him. It's a privilege, being a particularly stone-faced Scientologist."

Furthermore, Snyder is consulting veterans of the battles, having them tell their stories and inspect the scenes. One of them, jimmy1988, fought as an American at Iwo Jima, and praises the film's accuracy.

"This really takes me back to the time me and the boys stormed that one Jap bunker," jimmy commented, as he pointed to the Iwo Jima set, "They even did the flag planting right. No CGI; just some guys standing around an unclaimed flag pole, until an American flag popped up out of nowhere."

Another involved veteran is southernWarrior532, formerly known as Player231. He survived the Battle of Stalingrad, in which the German army succumbed to an unexpected internet outage in India.

"I can remember it like it was last year. We were guarding an outpost," he told Snyder, "When all of a sudden, I turn around, and realized that the computer was lagging really bad, as if the whole world was going in slow motion. Then I saw -with my own monitor -the faces of my buddies, as one by one, they disconnected. I was like ‘bob2006; krautkiller? Why aren't you moving? Answer me!' Now I only have my bottle of hard liquor to keep me company."

In a move lauded by historians, the script writers have decided to include accurate translations of the communications from the Battle of the Bulge. A popular myth is that an American soldier defiantly declared that the Germans should eat cake. Historical sources, however, reveal that this was a mistranslation of "Suc mah cock, n00bz," which may actually refer to sausages, the main staple for the German peasantry at that time.

However, not everybody is convinced. Feminist groups are criticizing the movie for not mentioning the role of women in the war.

"This movie marginalizes the contribution of female soldiers, such as DiVeBombA, and Sgt.Amerika." complained Sophia Bergstein, president of the Female Veterans' Association of Gamers.

Male veterans defend the movie, claiming that it is accurate for the time, although the gaming army's controversial "Don't Ask Don't Tell Policy" has made any information on sex, age and location of its members unavailable.

"DiVeBombA and Sgt.Amerika were obviously men. There were no women in the battles," argued southernWarrior, "They were only on porn sites... at least I hope those were women."

In spite of the controversy, the movie already promises to be a big success.

"I dunno if my mom will let me watch it, seeing how it's rated PG-13. But it's also educational," said Billy Martins, age 25, "If I could, I would definitely go. I bet my girlfriend would also love it. So that makes two."