• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• Spec: Spectador to close due to insufficient funding
• Spec: Alfred Lerner Hall purchased by Apple
• Spec: Columbia to annex East Prussia
• FEDBASH
• Emo-Kid? More like Elmo-kid. Communist!
• The Complete Idiot's Guide to Tactlessness
• Top 11 Things to Do At Columbia (Fed Edition)
• Roaree Roars and Millie Whores
• The Colombia Daily Spectador (The Fed Version)
• Spec Sports: Gay wrestling, the new ice breaker?
• Spec: Bollinger's Journal, April 1st 2009
• Spec: Jody's Droppings
• Spec: Acceptance letter for class of 2013
• Passover and Easter: A Numbers Game
• Relax, It's Only a Movie
• You Haven’t Seen War Until You’ve Seen it Through the Eyes of a Basement-Dwelling Teenager
• The Fed Within A Pie Graph
• Clothes Hipsters Wear
• THE FED has this to say
• They Watch
• The Staff

Adam Weiler

"Just let me put the tip in," said Justin Muesler, CC '10 and the leader and champion of Columbia University's Gay Wrestling Society. During his sophomore year, unhappy with Columbia's wrestling team, Muesler decided to create one of his own. "It was a revelation of sorts, I suppose," Museler said. "It just, I don't know, felt right. Good. But I still like pussy, you know."

Muesler then began to recruit members for this new Gay Wrestling team both at First Friday as well as Columbia University sporting events. "C'mon, all of that Gay Chicken going on in the locker rooms, sexually repressed athletes with no time for sex, always seeing each other naked. It's really quite natural, you know."

By the summer of '08, Muesler had drafted a team of ten wrestlers, all flexible and ripe with curiosity. They would begin the matches by getting naked, putting on condoms and lubing themselves up before shouting, "NO HOMO." The intention of the game is to get your opponent to cede to your advances, basically ending in anal sex. If a player yields before any contact occurs, he is called "a big fat gaping vagina" and given no points. If he yields after minimal contact, he is given one point, after the tip is put in, two points, and after full blown anal sex, 3 points and a complimentary tote bag (supplies limited). The player who "tops" is given three points as well for managing to both tackle and insert.

However, Columbia refused to initiate the GWS as a legitimate sports team. "We already have a wrestling team and they're gay enough," stated Brendan Buckley, Head Coach of Wrestling. "Tell Muesler to go ask that whipping society [Conversio Virium] or the ones that wave the rainbow flags [Columbia Queer Alliance]." Muesler then tackled the coach, grabbed his balls and said that the team was comprised of "bromosexuals," not "pansy ass-munchers." Muesler still intends to bed all of the Barnard girls he can, while properly marrying a Columbia woman sometime down the road.

Their current incarnation as a club, a response to the "Bromophobia of Columbia's Bureacracy" as Muesler puts it, began at the beginning of this semester after GWS bursted into an Asian American Alliance meeting in Lerner. "We had this room last semester," said treasurer of GWS Brian Greenberg, CC '09. "We missed pre-calendaring for this semester so we figured if we burst into random rooms stark naked and cheering, people would get the idea and leave." But Greenberg and the rest of GWS were wrong. Rather than leave the room, the AAA gathered around the match and began cheering. Obviously, Muesler had never seen Japanese porn. Girls were pulling out their cameras when Rob Lemley, CC '09, pinned Greg Robinson, CC '12, and proceeded to sit on his face.

"It was kind of hot," said Wei Lee, BC '10. "I mean, I've watched gay porn before, but never seen anything like that in person. Kate Chang grabbed my hand and we've hated each other since she stole my boyfriend freshman year. Whore," she said fondly.

Muesler, while still somewhat sore over his rejection as a legitimate team assured us that he is still happy with their "club" status. "Refs always really bothered me, getting up in my face like that while I was just trying to win... As a club we don't need any coaches or asshole officials."

The most recent event was the GWS's infiltration of Columbia University's Earth Institute's seminar on Climate, Forecast and Impacts Briefing. "I was told that it would be extremely boring and no one wanted to go at all. Not just about that specific event, but actually anything the Earth Institute hosts. Everyone was ready to kill Sachs, but I kind of liked him as a professor. He gave me an ‘A-.' So I figured I had to do something." That something was Muesler and Greenberg toting in a kiddie pool filled with chocolate pudding and proceeding to show the Earth Institute that gay sex in pudding is a lot less boring than global warming anyway.

Muesler volunteered to come visit us at The Spectador, but I assured him that we are quite close already and have lots of gay sex in the office to celebrate after we send every issue of to the publishers.