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In This Issue

• Hillary Clinton: Always a Political Bridesmaid
• Hipsters Demand Rights and Recognition as a Minority
• North Korea to Sponsor International Rocket Expo at Columbia University
• Bandirah
• The Columbia Commandments
• Reading Comprehension for the Modern Age
• Your Future's So Poor, You Have to Wear Shades
• Master Debaters
• got meth?
• The Fed Presents: Your Horoscope According to Weird Al
• The Fed has this to say
• They Watch
• The Fed's Staff

As far as college traditions go, our fair Alma Mater is largely regarded as the drunken jokey with an inflamed testicle of the ivy race. While Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Dartmouth, and Brown -yes, even Brown- seem to revel in long standing sport rivalries, secret societies, marches, runs, and Acappella groups, we Lions are known to...shout once a year and play ‘find the owl' on a statue. But rest assured, dear readers; we have put our finest to the task of constructing for you an alternative. What follows are the eight practices that, we believe, truly embody the Columbia experience. That's right; we've created an identity for you.

1- THE KINGS QUEST: RELOADED

The original Kings Quest was a well-known challenge among Columbia men to partake in (consensual and at least two-partied) coitus at three campus locations.1) The Butler Library stacks 2) The roof of Low Library 3) The tunnels.

Unfortunately, the dream has devolved. Many of the tunnel entrances are now permanently sealed, local hawks have taken sanctuary on the roof and self-esteem is on the rise among Barnard females. Simply put: this is a bleak age for potential kings.

Therefore consider this the dawn of a new Kings Quest accessible to all.

"You must have intercourse (again following the same definition of the term) at three distinct campus locations. The only restriction is that these cannot be bedrooms, suites, or lounges."

Let your imagination go wild. Lerner's glass ramp after hours. An empty Hamilton classroom (preferably in the daytime). And what better way to honor Auntie Alma than to joyfully copulate at her feet on a glorious spring morning.

Madness you say? Completed twice over last semester already? (Let's hang out). Then feel to aim for the stars and honor our forefathers! We're not precluding you from breaking locks and endangering species. The beauty of a tradition lies in its universality: go and be merry, children. Use protection of course. As well as discretion and shame.

2- PROTEST

The actual cause itself is thoroughly unimportant. All that matters is that you get yourself properly riled up. Attach some pins to your messenger bag, sport noticeably patchy facial hair and take to the college walk, alerting your Spectator contact for coverage. The subsequent Facebook status writes itself.

Let's be clear here; this will accomplish exactly jack. You will most likely huddle up with your socially conscious brethren for a handful of minutes, deploring society and comparing Chuck Taylors before heading home in masturbatory righteousness. However, it is your pre-iBanking duty to protest. Or more accurately that others see you engage in protest.

After all, if social awareness falls in a forest without anyone around to bear witness, does it have any purpose?

3- THE GREAT BUTLER ROUNDABOUT

You are to enter Butler at peak hour, the very week before finals. Eager to study, even more so to Twit about your studying, you will inevitably find the premises jam-packed with equally anxious students.

Your favorite seat is long gone. The computer lab where you wished to finish your essay? Horded. Room 209? A battlefield of questionable aroma. The 2nd floor balconies? ...Please.

It's time for you to earn your tuition. Yes, you could easily move on to one of the countless quieter and more productive libraries available across campus but that's not really the point is it? This is the very Thunderdome of your education.

It will take approximately 50 minutes to find an uncomfortable, unpleasantly warm seat. You will circle, you will observe, you will restrain yourself from throwing out that laptop that's been there fore three day and counting, but you will not give up. This isn't high school anymore; you must fight for your right to procrastinate.

4 - THE HOUSING LOTTERY

Where friendships are broken, alliances made, and sexual favors offered to those in charge -this reporter apologizes for nothing- all in hopes of that EC suite, Watt studio double, or private bathroom.

Here boys are made into men and women's virtues are forever soiled. Forget admission, Spring Break, or final exams. This is the most brutal, raunchy, and stressful time of our young lives and we love to despise every second of it.

#75 or the infamous #3000; do you feel lucky? Suite or general selection? Who can you cut, who can you get? Are you popular enough to recruit dedicated followers? Decide your fate and take no prisoners.

5 - FLOAT LIKE A WITCH OR SINK LIKE A CANNONBALL

Ah, the mandated ritual.

If you're a Columbia College student, you're fully cognisent that one of the prerequisites for obtaining your illustrious degree is the passing of the Columbia Swim Test. Because, obviously 19 core classes is simply not enough to prepare for real life. For example as you search for spare change in the fountain, what good is Dostoyevsky if you can't swin? You can, and most likely will, ignore this until senior year, but like an itch from a Carman toilet it will simply not go away

6 - THE JOYFUL HUNTING OF MINOR CELEBRITIES

The thrill of the chase; the exquisite pleasure of successfully tracking your quarry.

The successful hunt is a joy like no other. Far superior to drinking beer from your own belly button. The first step is a series of intricate calculations factoring in weather conditions, known habits of the celebrity, and size of Facebook fan page.

Next, you gird your loins and set out into the concrete jungle in the hopes of spotting the guy who cleans the toilet of the guy who does makeup for the extras on Gossip Girl. All your friends back home are going be super jealous!

7 - THE FRESHMAN'S EXISTENTIAL MALAISE

Year after year, the corrosive concoction of Euripides, University Writing and Frontiers, along with the escalating nonchalant hipsters populations, breeds a an ominous strain of viral dissatisfaction in the Freshman student body. This malady of meaningless often peaks in the month of November. The result is forlorn freshmen staring blankly at youtube clips as they try to remember the point of procrastination. The somber realization that your college experience does not include the enthralling multi-ethnic game of Ultimate Frisbee promised by the brochure. Soon this low-point will manifest itself as added pounds, bouts of scheduled spontaneous masturbation, and a new appreciation for the hoodie.

Let's face it: you are abnormal if you're not depressed for at least a few weeks of freshman year. Past that point, however, it is just you and you are quite irreparably maladjusted.

8 - LOUNGING ON THE STEPS

The simple bliss of sitting combined with the architectural wonderment know as rectangles. We are the stuff of still life poses, unlike those tart tweens on the Met steps. And as the mercury rises, so do the skirts and rolled up khakis. Grab the opportunity to show off your assets or pretend to take a noted interest in those that escaped the freshman 15 unscathed, while secretly reading a book.

It's your Bollinger-given right as a Lion.

Embrace every last one of these traditions, fellow students. They are in fact your legacy, which in and of itself explains #2, #7 and to a displaced degree #1.