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May Flowers: Bringers of Death
Issue 24.8: May 2009
Posted: May 2, 2009

Your Future's So Poor, You Have to Wear Shades

Max Shutran

[Note: this is one side of a cashier's telephone conversation]

"Haha, dude, some lady just asked me if we have...no, listen, this is funny...if we have bacon soda. Can you believe that shit? Oh never mind she's gone now. You can't make this stuff up, I'm telling you. Anyway, what were you talking about?"

"Oh you think she meant baking soda? Shit, I haven't seen that stuff since home economics."

"No, I just prefer to think that everyone else is dumber than me."

"Oh yeah, that's a pretty sweet car. Kind of a bummer that it's got four doors though. It would look great with two."

"I'm also kind of strapped for cash at the moment, as I said."

"Yeah, but I'll bet everyone who sees me working here..."

[aside] "Can I help you? Yeah, I can ring you up here, but it looks like you've got about seven items, so why don't you go wait in line over there."

"As I was saying, everyone who sees me here probably just thinks I'm some jerk right out of college who doesn't give a shit about keeping a job."

"Well it's kind of true on a surface level, but I'm so much deeper than that, man."

"I prefer to think it's ironic."

"No, it really is if you think about it. Since their attitude towards me is the reason I act like that in the first place. Reminds me of the time we had that chicken and egg argument."

"Obviously eggs are superior to chickens, but I'm not having this debate again."

"The manager? She mentioned stuff like ignoring people, talking on the phone, sloth, general air of discontent, et cetera."

"No, don't feel like you have to hang up, man, I can talk and work at the same time."

"Huh?"

"You mean this doesn't count as community service?"

"You couldn't pay me to do that shit, man. I mean, fundraising? Come on."

"Well I do miss being able to write ‘student' as my occupation."

"Yeah, she's pretty hot I guess. When's your lunch break over again?"

"No, I was talking about that girl we met freshman year, remember? Isn't that who you were talking about?"

"No? Well don't expect me to talk you through your problems while I'm on the clock."

"Well considering you work for your uncle, I doubt he'd care."

"Oh, my boss is coming over. I wonder if she's gonna give me the rest of the day off since I've had my fat ass here since nine."

"Nah bro, she won't notice. I'm using a Bluetooth."

"Yeah I always used to think that those guys were talking to thems-shit, let me call you back later."