• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• Hillary Clinton: Always a Political Bridesmaid
• Hipsters Demand Rights and Recognition as a Minority
• North Korea to Sponsor International Rocket Expo at Columbia University
• Bandirah
• The Columbia Commandments
• Reading Comprehension for the Modern Age
• Your Future's So Poor, You Have to Wear Shades
• Master Debaters
• got meth?
• The Fed Presents: Your Horoscope According to Weird Al
• The Fed has this to say
• They Watch
• The Fed's Staff

Rowan Buchanan

For those of you who were not lucky enough to be at the Barnard College Class of 2009 Commencement, The Fed has decided to release the transcript from Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton's speech. Choosing to speak at Barnard College over her alma mater, Wellesley, Clinton had many motivational words of wisdom for the women of the class of 2009. Below is an unedited copy of her speech:

Where is my fucking water? I thought I asked for a glass of water? No not tap. Evian. Is that so goddamn hard? Is everyone here too retarded to know that when I don't get what I want, I get angry? What? What are you trying to tell me? Stop mumbling, you idiot. My mic? What about it? It's on? Why did no one tell me that? Oh, you were trying to? Boo hoo hoo, you incompetent fool. You're fired. I don't care if you work for the school; they will listen to what I have to say. If you displease Hillary, you displease America. Get out of my sight.

Now, where is my wat-oh, good.

(Walks on stage. Behind her follows a young man carrying a pitcher of water, crystal goblet, and a plate of cookies. Clears throat.)

Congratulations Barnard Class of 2009! It is so wonderful to see young, intelligent women striving towards independent futures, without having to rely on men to get what they want. I hope that the graduating class is enjoying the cookies, freshly baked by my male aide. I no longer need to make cookies. Barnard is an excellent example of the type of women's college that helped me prepare for the all-boys club of politics. I was actually asked to speak at my alma mater, Wellesley this. However after careful deliberation, I chose to speak at Barnard. The associate Dean at Wellesley, Joanne, kept hitting on me, and it was making me feel quite uncomfortable. She kept saying that she agrees with Joe Scarborough that I do look younger and more refreshed now that I'm getting to do some traveling, and, well, I did do some experimenting back in college (that's somewhat unavoidable at a women's college), but now I am entirely asexual. Chelsea actually has no DNA from Bill at all, but that is not the point here...

When I graduated from college, the world was a different place. The glass ceiling was there and women tried desperately to break it. We threw rocks at it, and banged at it with our brooms from our place barefoot and in the kitchen. But you are graduating from college with the whole world in front of you. No longer are women delegated to subservient positions like waitresses or secretaries. I find the thought that women should be boxed into such jobs demeaning. That is why I have introduced a bill to have my title changed to Boss of State, or Chief Queen of State, or Chancellor Boss Queen of State.

Without having to serve in some menial job, you have every opportunity to go out and fail at your dream like any other man. You no longer have the restricting ties of an apron around your waist. Some people are excellent public speakers and serve to inspire all those around them. Some people are charismatic and charming and make everyone around them fall in love with them. That's why Barack won the presidency. I, however, rely on my experience to get things accomplished, and I'm sure that as Barnard women, you all have plenty of experience (I checked with Barack).

I'm sure that whatever you did in college, no matter how painful the memory, will eventually be useful. Why, I remember when I was in college, I was assigned to go to the Republican National Convention in ‘68. That trip to Miami was certainly memorable. There was this saying in college, that if a place was too small, too poor, or too dangerous, just send Hillary. I remember landing under sniper fire. There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport for me, but instead we just ran with our heads down to avoid being victim of the imminent showdown between Dick Nixon and Nelson Rockefeller.

But I digress; this day is not about me. It is about you, the accomplished women of this fine institution. Many of you may have a very clear picture of what you would like your future to be, but it is time to warn you that chances are you will never actually succeed at that dream. For example, I wanted to be the first female roller-skating lawyer in space, but that was crushed when my skates wouldn't lace around my ankles properly. I had gotten the biggest size, but a medical condition my mother called "cankles" apparently restricted the boot from lacing up. I am also sponsoring a bill to outlaw skates in space. So, if your dream is out of reach, you will make due and perhaps you will at least be able to prevent someone else from achieving that same dream. Never see yourself as settling, but make sure you find the positive aspects of where you are now. Like now, I am here at Barack's alma matter, kind of, speaking to you lovely women. I may not be in the seat of power, but at least I am beginning to influence the world where it matters. In eight years, however, when I am in that seat, maybe some of you could perhaps fetch my mail or clean my toilets.

A few months ago I received a 3 a.m. phone call asking me to come speak at this very commencement. I checked several times to see if I had anything else scheduled. Because of the economy, my duties now require that I travel using only my frequent flyer miles, which has dramatically cut back on my appointments. So with no solid conflict and the promise of receiving an award, I reluctantly agreed to come. I am deeply honored to be receiving the Barnard College Medal of Distinction. I plan to put it in my special awards room between my Arkansas Young Mother of the Year Award and my Northeast New York Alzheimer's Association Award, as long as I can find them.

(Aide whispers)

Apparently they're probably with my car keys. Now that I am here, speaking in front of the second greatest women's college in the country, I am stunned. You all possess such poise and grace that there is only one thing I can see disrupting your chances for success. So take this advice to heart as you head out into the real world. If you ever get married and you are trying to get a job that means more to you than anything else in the world, for God's sake, do not allow your husband to speak on your behalf.

Now, does anyone have any questions for me? No, I don't care that this is not a typical mode of operation. If these women want to know what it is like for a true warrior of women to be out there in the real world-yes? You in the robe. No, I am not a "bitter, old harpy." I support President Obama as much as the next American. Next? What? That's not a questi-he's what?! He's speaking at Columbia? At their commencement? Goddamn it, Barrack, you always have to fucking one-up me! Columbia didn't call me! All I got was this second grade bullshit women's school. Like I would want to be here over Columbia! Just wait until 2012, asshole! You'll see what it's like then!

(Is forcibly dragged from the stage)