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In This Issue

• Hillary Clinton: Always a Political Bridesmaid
• Hipsters Demand Rights and Recognition as a Minority
• North Korea to Sponsor International Rocket Expo at Columbia University
• Bandirah
• The Columbia Commandments
• Reading Comprehension for the Modern Age
• Your Future's So Poor, You Have to Wear Shades
• Master Debaters
• got meth?
• The Fed Presents: Your Horoscope According to Weird Al
• The Fed has this to say
• They Watch
• The Fed's Staff

Stephen Chan

The Fed has gathered together, students majoring in Religion/Philosophy, Biology, Urban Studies, Political Science, Engineering, and English. We put these bright young students in a room along with a special zombie guest. Their task was to discuss the classic book Clifford the Big Red Dog. We recorded the entire forum:

Relig/Philo Major: "I'd like to begin by pointing out, that when that dog urinates it must be of biblical proportion."

Bio Major: "But first go back a step, a canine that size would require 5 tons of dog food and water a day!"

Urban Studies Major: "And based on the size of the house the family lives in and the town itself, there is no way that they have enough of an income to afford all that food."

English Major: "Hold on! Before we can address practical issues, why is he called the Big Red Dog? Why not Red Big Dog? Is his bigness more important than his redness?"

Relig/Philo Major: Yes, what makes Clifford -Clifford? Is his identity tied up with his being big and red? What if he were blue and tiny? Further more, what can we extrapolate from this about our identities? We must read Clifford exegetically in order to better understand our own identity."

Bio Major: "Not to badger you with intricate terms that I needed to memorize that nobody except doctors and other bio majors know but is it possible that this canines physiological membranes and chromozonic chloroflorocarbonitrates might cause the expansion of the gastronurestrial cavity? That basically, Clifford might be the product of some genetic mutation!"

Poli Sci Major: "The whole thing stinks of government machinations. We should examine what percentage of people would vote for a government that supports a genetic mutations in dogs."

Relig/Philo Major: "I want to know if Kant's categorical imperative applies to Clifford or if he is some sort of realization of Nietzsche's ubermensch?"

Poli Sci Major: "Was Clifford neutered? It would take a black ops military operation to pull that off. So the query is how involved is the government in private affairs?"

Bio Major: "Even if he wasn't neutered, the size of his member would rip to shreds any dog he tried to copulate with. A common characteristic of some post-Jurassic pre-Paleolithic dinosaurs!"

Engineering Major: "Unless they constructed a system of levers and pulleys. They'd also have to build several structurally sound arches ."

Urban Studies Major: "The whole town would get together for that."

Reli/ Philo Major: "A modern day version of the communal sacrifice."

English Major: "You guys are all missing the point. Clifford is a metaphor!"

Relig/ Philo Major: "For man's search for meaning? For man's epic quest for identity and self-edification?"

Poli Sci Major: "No, the redness makes him part of the Communist ethos and the cold war."

English Major: "In an American town? No, he symbolizes suburban escapism and disillusionment with the American Dream. Furthermore, Red is the color of blood and life, therefore Clifford embodies the power of life over death. Clifford may even symbolize Christ in this situation."

Poli Sci: "That goes against the separation of church and state."

Relig/Philo Major: "However, none of this really matters if Clifford doesn't exist."

Urban Studies Major: "Hey you, Engineering Major and Zombie, you two are awfully quiet, what do you think?"

Poli Sci Major : "Whoa, is the Zombie eating the Engineering Major's brain?"

ALL: "AHHHHHHHHH RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!"

Zombie: "Silly humans, it's just a kid's book. So stupid, must be why their brains taste funny."