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In This Issue

• Hillary Clinton: Always a Political Bridesmaid
• Hipsters Demand Rights and Recognition as a Minority
• North Korea to Sponsor International Rocket Expo at Columbia University
• Bandirah
• The Columbia Commandments
• Reading Comprehension for the Modern Age
• Your Future's So Poor, You Have to Wear Shades
• Master Debaters
• got meth?
• The Fed Presents: Your Horoscope According to Weird Al
• The Fed has this to say
• They Watch
• The Fed's Staff

North Korea announced today that it will sponsor the first international rocket expo at Columbia University. "The North Korean people are thrilled and awed by our Dear Leader's shrewd choice. We hope that this expo will sow the seeds of our great North Korean space history," said spokesperson Kim Dan Bong.

With a business-as-usual and stay-the-course culture, the North Korean Space Agency has previously hesitated an international approach to space exploration. In light of this, President Kim Jong Il has issued Glorious Communist Wisdom Five Year Plan #72 to make the North Korean space program more like its nimble, fuel efficient foreign competitors through increased transparent government oversight. In addition to providing funding for the expo, the plan will also screen some of the Dear Leader's favorite educational space films, including Star Trek, Armageddon, and Mission to Mars.

"The Taepodong-2 [pronounced TAPE-oh-dong], was exactly that: a giant tower with three sections comprised primarily of duct tape and stolen Sony/Daewoo products, filled with rocket fuel housinga giant glowing disco ball on top to act as a satellite," said the head North Korean engineer, "large and ungainly, but very rugged. With 50% of the nation's GDP devoted to military projects, you don't pay attention to the gas thatthing guzzles. It's a one-shotdeal. I'm very interested in seeing some of the recyclable disgraceful fat capitalist pig rockets-like the Space Shuttle-up close."

North Korean Space Agency hope to adopt some features of American and European rockets, such as the longer and more intense burning, environmentally friendly liquid fuels of the Ares V J2X engines, the stage mileage of the coveted Saturn V, the aerodynamic efficiency of the Titan II, and the sleek, chromium plated navigation system of the SS-25 Mod 1 "Sickle" Stolichnaya limited edition ®.

Many North Korean scientists, engineers, and academics hope that this will not be the first cooperative program with the international community. Other possible projects in the works include the Peaceful World Nuclear Power Testing Day in Tehran, a First World Country Economy Building Summit in Dubai, and a Clean Running Water and Sound Roofing Convention at Home Depot in Watchung, NJ.

The North Koreans are not trying to get ahead of themselves, however, as they are currently focusing on making this expo a treat for all rocketry fans. North Korean government officials have already begun seeding Morningside Heights with propaganda and enticing Columbia rocket engineers with lifetime supplies of kimchee and luxury suites at the Ryugyong Hotel in Pyongyang for their help in "elucidating Western rocket designs." These signs of increased Communist activity on the Columbia campus, however, are, as of yet, indistinguishable from normal student activity, and most experts predict it will stay that way.