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In This Issue

• Hillary Clinton: Always a Political Bridesmaid
• Hipsters Demand Rights and Recognition as a Minority
• North Korea to Sponsor International Rocket Expo at Columbia University
• Bandirah
• The Columbia Commandments
• Reading Comprehension for the Modern Age
• Your Future's So Poor, You Have to Wear Shades
• Master Debaters
• got meth?
• The Fed Presents: Your Horoscope According to Weird Al
• The Fed has this to say
• They Watch
• The Fed's Staff

The Pomp, the Circumstance, the Horror!!! As the April shower begin to subside, the graduating class braces themselves not for the May flowers, which were proverbially promised, but rather for the anal penetration which characterizes the economy. Columbia has decided to increase the efficiency with which its graduates can hit the unemployment lines by holding graduation not on Low Plaza as per tradition, but rather in the unemployment offices on Broadway and West 142nd St. However, for the few graduates that have managed to kiss enough ass, suck enough... well you get the idea, to land a job, good luck with your overstressed, underpaid new boss which will use you as his personal punching bag for the next 2 "resume building" years. Your Boss= THEY, The Unemployment officer= THEY- This is THEY WATCH, this is real!

After spending over $200,000 on your education at Columbia the fact that the only job you could find pays you enough to keep you at the poverty line seems a bit ridiculous. The fact that your new boss will probably use your extensive knowledge only to have you make him coffee and make you write up TPS reports, Work Progress Memo's, RTFP's, FKVR's, FUCKME's, and all of the various other bullshit that is necessary to look efficient while being incredibly inefficient
will blow. Like, a lot. Good for you for not landing in the unemployment line! The bullshit you have to do to please your a-hole of a boss and stay out of poverty= THEY.

The fact that unemployment stops after a few months of not having a job and you have loans to pay off- oh how fucked you will be= THEY.