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In This Issue

• Manhattanville! Because Complaining Never Gets Old
• Some Crotchety Old Man Stole My ID
• Thoughts While Bronzing on the Steps
• Greetings, From Public Safety
• Dear Mahmoud
• Get Your Horcrux Off My Desk
• Presidents: "We're a BFD"
• The Overachiever's Guide to Breaking the Ten Commandments
• Jew Hater Born a Jew
• From the Barnard Office of Health
• Sexed Up Haikus
• Core Turns Hardcore
• The Netherlands Corner
• An Apology to Our Readers
• They Watch
• The Staff of the Federalist

To our readers:

As the Public Relations Correspondent here at The Fed, I have an important message. Recently, the reputation of this venerable publication has been suspended in the orb of mediocrity, fighting against the celestial spin of public opinion. After the trials and tribulations of intense critical analysis, we are now committed to constipate the dire issue at hand: the poop joke. The entire editorial board of The Fed has promised to do all it can to wipe away this menace.

To speak frankly, we have decided to get our shit together.

We recognize there is no excuse for the plague of crap-related humor in recent issues. All that can be said is that when our fine writers are fighting to squeeze out an article the night before a deadline, too often they have settled for defecation-related jokes rather than, say, poking fun at Timothy Geithner or constructing elaborate puns that require a knowledge of French and familiarity with the latest paper on quantum entanglement.

Instead, we have published such articles as "CU Dining is Turd-licious," and the horrific "More Like Shiterature Humanities!" Although we know we can never take back the damage we have already done, we hope that with renewed effort, we can win back your respect.

This error in judgment is especially embarrassing when one considers that we write for the most intelligent, most sophisticated, and best-hung student body in the Ivy League. It's acceptable for Harvard to have their a cappella group, "The Whiffenpoops," and Yale can keep their secret society  "Colon & Sphincter," but Columbia deserves better. At least we know that we never sunk to level of Brown. No pun intended, pervert.

I can only hope that you, our readers, can find it in your hearts to forgive us. We are henceforth committed to flushing the poop joke away from our pages. No longer will we settle for Number Two. From this day on, The Fed is holding itself to the standard of excremence that the world expects. Once again, every issue will be a huge, steaming pile of highbrow comedy.

Best Regards,

      Evan Burger, ‘13

Next issue: Sorry, Barnard Sluts