• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• Manhattanville! Because Complaining Never Gets Old
• Some Crotchety Old Man Stole My ID
• Thoughts While Bronzing on the Steps
• Greetings, From Public Safety
• Dear Mahmoud
• Get Your Horcrux Off My Desk
• Presidents: "We're a BFD"
• The Overachiever's Guide to Breaking the Ten Commandments
• Jew Hater Born a Jew
• From the Barnard Office of Health
• Sexed Up Haikus
• Core Turns Hardcore
• The Netherlands Corner
• An Apology to Our Readers
• They Watch
• The Staff of the Federalist

Recently students have issued complaints concerning the Well Woman guidelines for the prevention of the H1N1 virus known as Swine Flu. The initiative relies on the ability to read a series of hieroglyphs, known as Estrophonics, a language once popular before women could read or write. Unfortunately, the Well Woman office failed to take into account that Estrophonics has fallen out of use since "Reason and Value" replaced "Drawing Pretty Pictures" as one of the Nine Ways of Knowing.

So, for the knowledge and safety of the campus community, we present the Barnard Guide to Preventing Swine Flu:

1. Get a nose job

As Barnard students, we're assuming that you're rich JAPs who are unhappy with the beak God gave you. Lucky for you, swine flu gives you the perfect opportunity to get your daddy to buy your way to perfection. As reported by the American Medical Association, if you reduce the size of your nose by half, you will produce half as mucosy grossness in which the virus gestates.

2. Don't touch anything!

As bold, beautiful Barnard women, no one would ever expect you to do manual labor (not to mention mental exertion). So treat yourself nicely! Get an antibacterial manicure and don't even think about touching your keyboard until next semester, at the earliest.

3. Remove the Barnard goggles

Once you realize that the boys at Columbia really aren't that attractive and you'll never get a chance to hook up with James Franco, step four becomes much easier...

4. Go gay!

As exhibited by the warriors of Lesbos, lesbian activity is known for giving its participants extra internal strength. Furthermore, as the name swine flu suggests, the disease is spread mostly through men.

(Note: This step must be done in conjunction with others on this list. If lesbianism were all it takes to prevent disease, Barnard would already be a bastion of good health.)

5. Inhale household cleaners!

Remember when you were eight and your older brother was always getting high off the chemicals in your bathroom hidden behind the cat's litter box? If he hadn't lost his credibility as a role model when he went to jail, he would have taught you a valuable lesson: Inhaling household cleaners gives your innards the same sparkle as your Windexed^TM sunroom windows. So sniff away, and feel free to drink a little, too, if you'd like.

6. Don't get a fever

High internal temperatures are positive indications of other illness. Therefore, if you want to keep yourself from having swine flu, make sure that no symptoms are detectable. An ice cube placed in the mouth before the thermometer will both hide any potential gateway symptoms and make your tongue all tingly. Alternatively, if your doctor insists on using a rectal thermometer, you should still abide by the previous council, but you may choose to stop seeing a veterinarian.

7. Don't call home!

Illness is known to strike when you are at your most vulnerable, read: stressed. Talking to your parents will only increase your stress level and make you more susceptible to the H1N1 virus. Also, in the event your parents have the flu, you will be putting yourself in harm's way.

8. Use bendy straws

This is useful if you want something to drink but you know better than to touch anything.

9. Band-Aids

Band-Aids don't actually do anything to cure illness, but people always feel sympathetic if they think you're hurt. Your morale is thus raised and look at that, you're feeling much better.

10. See a doctor

Start trying to meet your perfect mate. You won't be able to marry a doctor (that's why you came to college, right?) unless you find one first. If you can't find a pre-med student, make appointments with local doctors as a patient. Shit, tell ‘em you have swine flu. We especially recommend you check out some of New York's finest OBGYNs. Just because you can't touch them doesn't mean they shouldn't touch you.