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In This Issue
- Manhattanville! Because Complaining Never Gets Old
- Some Crotchety Old Man Stole My ID
- Thoughts While Bronzing on the Steps
- Greetings, From Public Safety
- Dear Mahmoud
- Get Your Horcrux Off My Desk
- Presidents: "We're a BFD"
- The Overachiever's Guide to Breaking the Ten Commandments
- Jew Hater Born a Jew
- From the Barnard Office of Health
- Sexed Up Haikus
- Core Turns Hardcore
- The Netherlands Corner
- An Apology to Our Readers
- They Watch
- The Staff of the Federalist
The Overachiever's Guide to Breaking the Ten Commandments
Submission Editor Stephen K. Chan
God told you to worship him (1) and not idols (2), not use his name in vain (3), keep the Sabbath (4), honor your parents (5), not kill (6), not commit adultery (7), not steal (8), not bear false witness (9), and not covet things (10). But he was just kidding. We'll show you ways throughout history to take blasphemy to new heights.
Note: These all take place on the Sabbath, and you're doing a SHIT TON of work (4).
1. BUTLER-
The Stacks, where else?: You're a Columbia student (1) working on extra credit by studying fluid thermodynamics and volumetric expansion with your married professor (7). You're using the condom you stole (8) from your parents (5) and said your dog ate (9, they put Woofie to sleep for that, you bitch), and you can't stop ogling your professor's full body Native American Thunderbird tattoo (2). When someone discovers you, you yell, "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!" (3) as you knock down a whole set of book shelves on this unsuspecting loser (6) who you just realized he has a really kick ass earring (10).
2. QING DYNASTY-
Somewhere in the Forbidden City: You're a rogue Shaolin monk (1) who's snuck into the Imperial Harem with a collection of dorky little hats and pony tails you took from the bodies of Imperial Guardsmen (8) who you just killed with Heaven's Flying Dragon Fist (6); you present these swords as gifts to the concubines and proceed to rock out the "Dragon's Bed" (7). When your father, the Emperor stumbles in piss drunk (5), you throw the one ton jade Buddha at him (2), taking his head clean off (6). As the Chief Eunich comes running in amongst all the commotion, you tell him in a string of Mandarin curses that sound like some iteration of "Jehovah" (3) to the wayward missionary getting it on with a harem girl in the corner that this whole mess was his fault (9) (not the smartest choice, granted, but you secretly want his super fly, gold and red silken robes) (10).
3. MEDIEVAL EUROPE-
a seedy castle somewhere in the Black Forest: You are a Druid (1) knight errant who has just laid siege to Castle Dracula after eating a heavy Italian dinner, necessitating the use of your giant tree god pentagram (2) that you stole (8) from your father (5) as a grappling hook to get your fat ass to the top of the keep. The pentagram kills the count (6) after crashing through the window, and you proceed to take advantage of his wife (7) (the hubby's dying body is still convulsing, so this Count counts, cunts) when your dad (using Druid magic) floats in asking what happened to his pentagram just as you kiss the wife. You start to tell him that it was that dickweed of an Englishmen, Arty, (9, 10) when you enter the Countess and your wooden stake causes her to burst into flames and your burst into, "GOD DAMN IT! FUCKING DEMON MAGIC!" (3)