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In This Issue

• Manhattanville! Because Complaining Never Gets Old
• Some Crotchety Old Man Stole My ID
• Thoughts While Bronzing on the Steps
• Greetings, From Public Safety
• Dear Mahmoud
• Get Your Horcrux Off My Desk
• Presidents: "We're a BFD"
• The Overachiever's Guide to Breaking the Ten Commandments
• Jew Hater Born a Jew
• From the Barnard Office of Health
• Sexed Up Haikus
• Core Turns Hardcore
• The Netherlands Corner
• An Apology to Our Readers
• They Watch
• The Staff of the Federalist

Rachel Paige Katz

Columbia University's famous Core Curriculum has been facing criticism that it is not diverse enough. In response to this criticism, The Core Curriculum Committee (CCC) issues the following statement early yesterday morning:

Although Core Curriculum strives to be a bastion of academic tradition in an ever-changing world, we realize that improvements can and should be made. After an extensive review of the Core, we concluded that it did indeed lack diversity. Therefore, in order to remedy the situation we have elected to include the study of pornography as part of the Core Curriculum.

One of the original proponents of this adjustment was Professor Cockman. During a Literature Humanities class on the Decameron in the Spring of 2008, one particular student made several insightful comments and hand gestures deriving from his wealth of pornographic knowledge. "He said, ‘the Lit Hum Curriculum is cool,'" recalls Professor Cockman with a smirk, "but it'd be better if it were porn."

After many sleepless and exhausting nights of internet research, Prof. Cockman brought the suggestion to the Literature and Humanities Steering committee, noting the benefits of a different angle of entry into Western C. Lit. Professor Kitcher found support among members of the committee as well as other professors.

"Our main objective with this new initiative," Professor Kitcher commented, "is to provide students with an introduction to the classics of western pornography, things they can pull out when they go to cocktail parties."

While a finalized list of the pornography has yet to be issued, The Fed was able to obtain some preliminary information.

The newest addition to the Literature Humanities curriculum, to be discussed after Virginia Woolf's To the Lighthouse, is Vol.32 Iss. 8 of Hustler, both due to the aesthetic value of the women and the abundance of "hot girl-on-girl action."

Since a large focus of the study of pornography will be on graphics, pictures, and films, Art Humanities will gain greater prominence; students will scrutinize the greatest pornographic paintings, photographs, and films of the famed Larry Flynt. Students will be asked to analyze the various depictions of genitalia and their socio-economic impact as well as their philosophical underpinnings.

Music Humanities will receive only minor changes, with the Gregorian Monk chanting being replaced by the sound of a man groaning during sex, and an expansion of the "Jazz" component to two class periods rather than just one.

Commenting on the change, Dean Moody-Adams said, "I hope that this addition will show that the University is willing to listen and respond to students' complaints."

On a related note, the Global Core requirement is officially cancelled.