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In This Issue

• Manhattanville! Because Complaining Never Gets Old
• Some Crotchety Old Man Stole My ID
• Thoughts While Bronzing on the Steps
• Greetings, From Public Safety
• Dear Mahmoud
• Get Your Horcrux Off My Desk
• Presidents: "We're a BFD"
• The Overachiever's Guide to Breaking the Ten Commandments
• Jew Hater Born a Jew
• From the Barnard Office of Health
• Sexed Up Haikus
• Core Turns Hardcore
• The Netherlands Corner
• An Apology to Our Readers
• They Watch
• The Staff of the Federalist

Mary Delsener

Columbia University Residential Housing:

Roommate Complaint Form #67701

Complaint Subject Roommate Issues.

Initially, how were your interactions with your roommate?

The first day went well. Although, when we were playing name games within our Orientation Group, it got hard to find something that rhymed with "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named." It was pretty cool that he was so creative, too; he was always giving his friends homemade tattoos with that skull and snake symbol on their forearms.

Also, it was great when he cast the "Protego Totalum" charm on me - I am the dude on campus least likely to ever get swine flu. Or Chlamydia.

What was the first sign that a communication breakdown was beginning to occur?

Ever since I watched one episode Law & Order: SVU with him in the room, he's been on a violent rampage, thinking that Dumbledore's Army is making a comeback because they kept talking about "the DA." He also kept turning my CUID into a Horcrux even though I repeatedly asked him to stop.

I also keep on getting sexiled whenever he has his Dementor friends over ON WEEKNIGHTS and they start breeding. The room's foggy for hours afterwards and that's not the best environment for doing my Lit Hum homework.

Have you made an effort to discuss these issues with your RA?

We had a meeting with our RA when I noticed that he had been stealing some very important herbal inhalants I need for medical reasons. He claims he thought it was "Floo Powder." Our second meeting was to resolve a conflict we had when he was writing his resume.

I told him that "Speaks Fluent Parseltongue" wasn't a legitimate skill. He subsequently set my bureau on fire. We also talked about his selfishness. We've been to the Bronx Zoo at least ten times since we've moved in! When we reach the Reptile House, boy, you'd better watch out - he pretty much is about to bust a nut by then. But he STILL adamantly refuses to see Equus with me.

Any other comments you would like to get across?

Voldemort has to stop killing people. He used the Avada Kadavra curse to kill the bouncer at The Heights when she wouldn't accept my fake ID.

Then he used the Avada Kadavra curse to kill the tellers at Book Culture because apparently he could read their minds and could hear them laughing at him for "paying such ridiculous prices for textbooks we could easily get 50% cheaper online."

He yet again the Avada Kadavra curse to kill all the hipsters at 1020...just because they were annoying, though I can't say I miss them.

Also, would this be the right time to mention that he might be plotting an attack of epic proportions at the Columbia v. Brown football game?

Apparently he doesn't like someone there...