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In This Issue

• Manhattanville! Because Complaining Never Gets Old
• Some Crotchety Old Man Stole My ID
• Thoughts While Bronzing on the Steps
• Greetings, From Public Safety
• Dear Mahmoud
• Get Your Horcrux Off My Desk
• Presidents: "We're a BFD"
• The Overachiever's Guide to Breaking the Ten Commandments
• Jew Hater Born a Jew
• From the Barnard Office of Health
• Sexed Up Haikus
• Core Turns Hardcore
• The Netherlands Corner
• An Apology to Our Readers
• They Watch
• The Staff of the Federalist

Cait Sigler

Last week, the London Telegraph released an image of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad proudly displaying his identity card after the 2008 elections. A recent close-up of the document revealed a long-hidden truth about the president's past: he was born a Jew. While it had been known that the family of Mr. Ahmadinejad, né Sabourjian, had changed his name at a young age, his original name had been stricken from public record. The old Farsi name Sabourjian, included on Iran's list of names reserved for Jews, literally translates to the English,"Goldberg".

The recent discovery has sent shockwaves through the Iranian politisphere, leaving in its wake the pall of regret. "We're disappointed in him," said a source close to the President. "But moreso, we're disappointed in ourselves. For an administration that prides itself on discriminating against Jews, women, gays, gypsies, Christians, the Dutch, fish, and the poor, we let down our constituency."Added another aide, "we didn't forge all those votes for this."

His family, which converted to Islam shortly after the birth of the president-to-be, also felt the backlash from the picture's publication. Immediately barred from the circuit of Tehran yacht and country clubs, Ahmadinejad's extended family is now finding they have more time on their hands. "At least we got to the buffet while we still could," said the president's uncle, Shlomo Ahmadinejad. Other relatives were less phased, as family hopes had always rested on other siblings. "Everyone always wants to talk about the President," said Ahmadinejad's mother, Esther. "But his brother - his brother is a doctor."

Former teachers and religious instructors have also come forward to contribute to the image of the young Ahmadinejad, a boy who is said to have displayed some "Jewy" tendencies from an early age. The adolescent Mahmoud was scrawny, unathletic, and especially prone to sinus infections, said Youssef, a councilor at Tehran's Madrassa PS 182.

Still reeling from the coverage of Mel Gibson's recent Birthright trip, international Jewish organizations have surprisingly praised the Iranian administration for refusing to pass the buck in light of their lack of foresight. "We should've seen it coming," said one senior advisor to the Ayatollah. "Last week he lent me 2 rial for falafel and hasn't let me forget about it since. Not for five fucking minutes." Some of Ahmadinejad's behaviors had already garnered suspicion from those around him. The recently reelected president was seen plotzing, kvetching, schlepping, and doing what some onlookers described as "flotzing about". His almost daily take-out orders from Jai Bazarnaani Mansoor (roughly: "Mansoor's Bagel-porium") also raised eyebrows.

It has not been a quiet week for the Office of the President's Public Relations Department. October 5th photos of the Iranian leader holding Chinese premier Hu Jintao by the hand have confirmed the more rampant rumors of the former's homosexuality. And just as Ahmadinejad's entire history of holocaust denial has been discredited, categorized by psychologists as typical immigrant overcompensation, his newly revealed sexual preferences do little to boost citizens' confidence that he will be able to continue publicly executing members of Iran's gay community.

Greatly overshadowing the American discovery that President Barack Obama is a practicing Muslim, the political situation in Iran is once again close to spiraling out of control. But despite these recent developments, all confidence has not been lost. "At least he's not black," said a visibly disturbed Ayatollah Khomene'i in a rare interview with The Fed. "Sometimes I feel like a real shlimazel - uh oh."