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In This Issue

• Manhattanville! Because Complaining Never Gets Old
• Some Crotchety Old Man Stole My ID
• Thoughts While Bronzing on the Steps
• Greetings, From Public Safety
• Dear Mahmoud
• Get Your Horcrux Off My Desk
• Presidents: "We're a BFD"
• The Overachiever's Guide to Breaking the Ten Commandments
• Jew Hater Born a Jew
• From the Barnard Office of Health
• Sexed Up Haikus
• Core Turns Hardcore
• The Netherlands Corner
• An Apology to Our Readers
• They Watch
• The Staff of the Federalist

Cait Sigler

President Ahmadinejad of the Islamic Republic of Iran is here to answer your questions! School got you down? In a romantic quandary? Need to be convinced that you are important? Email thefed@columbia.edu with your question, and you might see it featured here!

Dear President Ahmadinejad,
I have been at Columbia University for a few weeks now, and I can't seem to make any friends. No one wants to talk to me, even though I am a really cool guy. I had a lot of friends back home in Seattle, but here at Columbia, no one seems to like me. I don't get it; I am a really cool guy! What can I do?
- Lonely

Dear Lonely,
I know exactly how you feel. I, too, am a really cool guy. People can be very cold and unfriendly. There was this one time when no one at the U.N. wanted to speak with me. I was so alone. Then I realized that I had to do something to make them want to talk to me. So I started a nuclear program in my country, and now everybody wants a piece of me. You could do something to make people interested in you, too. May I suggest wearing an ironic T-shirt.
- M.A.

Dear President Ahmadinejad,
I'm having trouble with my roommate. I know that he keeps stealing my food, but every time I confront him, he always denies it. He says that I have no proof, but I know I am right. I am getting sick and tired of the whole situation. What should I do?
- Fed Up

Dear Fed Up,
Sticking to your beliefs is very important. Your convictions are the most important gifts you possess. Things like proof are meaningless. I mean, people are always showing me proof that the Holocaust actually occurred. Do I pay them any attention? No! I stick to my guns, and hold firm. However, in your case, are you sure you want to let some stolen food get in the way of your relationship with your roommate? Sometimes you need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
- M.A.

Dear President Ahmadinejad,
I have so much work, and it keeps piling up. I hate it here. I feel so overwhelmed with all the things I have to do, and I don't see a way out. Should I transfer? Help me!
- Super Stressed

Dear Super Stressed,
I find that sometimes it helps to look at a negative situation in a different light, to put a positive spin on things. For example, my country recently had a tiny problem with protests. Instead of getting all worked up, I saw it as an opportunity to show how efficient my military and police are. Remember Columbia University is one of the greatest places of learning in the word; take advantage of that.
- M.A.