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In This Issue

• Manhattanville! Because Complaining Never Gets Old
• Some Crotchety Old Man Stole My ID
• Thoughts While Bronzing on the Steps
• Greetings, From Public Safety
• Dear Mahmoud
• Get Your Horcrux Off My Desk
• Presidents: "We're a BFD"
• The Overachiever's Guide to Breaking the Ten Commandments
• Jew Hater Born a Jew
• From the Barnard Office of Health
• Sexed Up Haikus
• Core Turns Hardcore
• The Netherlands Corner
• An Apology to Our Readers
• They Watch
• The Staff of the Federalist

Cait Sigler

A new impact assessment study by Columbia University meant to measure the effect of the proposed Manhattanville expansion between 125th and 133rd streets in West Harlem has produced an even stronger conclusion that last year's study. In addition to finding that the 17-acre development will provide much-needed new liebensraum to Columbia University, it also has a sunny outlook for its effects on Harlem. One section of the report states: "The benefits to the Harlem community will be considerable and will include new professorships, management positions that will open up for Harlem residents, and new tourism brought in by the presence of an elite university in the middle of one of America's most unique cultural centers." Other parts of the report were more ambitious in their phrasing, including assertions that the finished development will be "absolutely freaking amazing," and will "rock everyone's balls off."

Manhattanville's importance for the university should be well known by now. In the report, projections of "30% improved prestige," and "finally sticking it to those Penn fuckers," are heavily emphasized. Though not present in the official document, rumors of more student housing, new research facilities, and a 50-foot marble statue of University President Lee C. Bollinger have also been circulating throughout campus. These rumors, however, could not be confirmed by the university at this time.

The study, following last year's skeptically received effort, should lay to rest fears that the expansion should cause any harm to local residents. There are several heartening forecasts such as "...our commitment to working with local businesses means that everybody and his dog within a mile radius will be bathing in Benjamins, baby," "...the pentagram layout of the buildings is expected project a virility-enhancing aura over the area and cause the sun itself to shine down brighter on Harlem, due to the favor Manhattanville curries with Apollo," and "...while the old Manhattanville was filled with ugly, old, code-violating buildings, the new Manhattanville will have only the finest and most elegant of bizarre, postmodern architecture, so soothing to the eye that residents will hardly be able to stop themselves from gaping at these new buildings for minutes at a time, filled with awe and wonder."

Harlem residents, formerly opposed to the expansion, have been brought around by the report. Margaret Lesi, 23, used to be against Manhattanville, but now says, "Nothing lifts my heart like the smiling face of a Columbia student, sheltered in her elitist bubble from the tragedy, want and fear that the world afflicts on the average person, oblivious to any problems beyond a recent break-up, or an upcoming midterm. Expecting to have these people yelling outside my apartment, drunk at 2:00 am fills me with hope and joy."

David Johnson, 47, has lived just outside the development zone for 20 years and runs a small hardware business. He says, "I was ambivalent about Manhattanville at first, but then I realized just how great it would be to see the neighborhood I grew up in demolished and replaced by one of Columbia's grasping tentacles. If the past has shown us anything, it's that gentrification only helps small businesses. I stand behind the project completely!"

Molly Chancellor, 5, said, "Mister Bollinger told me there would be ponies, I love ponies. They are so pretty. I hope my mommy sells our building to the nice university, or else the ponies will die," then turned to her mom and began a half-hour tantrum, crying to her mother to save the ponies.

Michael Sims, 26, simply extended his middle finger in answer to our question, which was recently redefined as the American Sign Language gesture for "I love Columbia University and the way it improves my part of New York City."

Many residents also expressed their excitement over Columbia's plan to distribute digestion-augmenting vitamins that will make excrement smell of roses, cinnamon, and morning dew.

Perhaps most telling of all is the report's closing sentence: "Manhattanville is so damn fantastic that compiling this report killed three people, all paralyzed by the ecstasy of their task - we honor their sacrifice."