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In This Issue
- Manhattanville! Because Complaining Never Gets Old
- Some Crotchety Old Man Stole My ID
- Thoughts While Bronzing on the Steps
- Greetings, From Public Safety
- Dear Mahmoud
- Get Your Horcrux Off My Desk
- Presidents: "We're a BFD"
- The Overachiever's Guide to Breaking the Ten Commandments
- Jew Hater Born a Jew
- From the Barnard Office of Health
- Sexed Up Haikus
- Core Turns Hardcore
- The Netherlands Corner
- An Apology to Our Readers
- They Watch
- The Staff of the Federalist
Presidents: "We're a BFD"
Staff Writer Frampton Nuttle
Presidents are here to represent the people and their needs yadda yadda. Who're we kidding? Wanting to be president is sort of like wanting to be a unicorn or superman: you turn ten and you realize you're just not that awesome. So you turn your attention to getting that cute girl in the third row to like you by throwing paper clips at her head. The people who don't give up accordingly have ego's larger than the Pentagon's civil rights infringements. A quick history lesson1:
September 16, 1795 -
George Washington convinces Congress to relocate the nation's capital to, coincidentally, Washington.
June 23, 1864 -
Despite the ongoing Civil War, Abraham Lincoln inexplicably takes time to spearhead an unsuccessful drive to relocate the "Log Cabin Syrup Company" from Kentucky to Illinois because when every day involves your friends treating you like you are immortal, you need a filling breakfast with that little sugar rush, brewed in your honor, to keep you going until everyone else is dead.
December 22, 1910 -
William Howard Taft: became lodged in his bath tub. Some yelling, sweating and the help of six able bodied men later, he was removed.
Instead of becoming embarrassed or cutting down on the presidential chocolate vault he had "man sized" tubs installed in the White House. And what did he call them? "Taft tub[s]." Other neologisms included "taking a Taft," "Taft towel," and the ill-fated "sitz Taft" developed, but they surprisingly never caught on with the public.
April 11, 1930 -
Contrary to some accounts, Herbert Hoover did not lend his prestige to the vacuum cleaner of the same name, although his policies did suck the vitality out of the American economy.
October 12, 1999 -
William Jefferson (I knew Thomas Jefferson, he was a friend of mine, and you sir are no Thomas Jefferson) Clinton unsuccessfully tries to locate a franchise of "President Cigars" in the White House staffed by the President himself.
It was going well at first-he reportedly served several customers-but unfortunately was given poor reviews by a certain Miss Lewinsky.
April 4, 2005 -
George W. Bush counts among his "missions accomplished" the restoring of major league "baseball" to the nation's capital in the form of the Washington Nationals who, owing to their lack of talent and poor play, quickly become known around the sport as the "Weapons of Mass Derision."
October 10 2009-
Barack Obama fulfills his second first grade dream. His mom would be so proud. He receives a Nobel Prize. Was it for providing public health care? Was it for legalizing federal gay marriage? Shutting down Guantanamo? Nope.
He's just so awesome he got a Nobel Prize before having to actually engage in any ‘action'. He's so awesome that when he needs reminding to do something he gets a million dollar sticky note. I bet he has a bat-mobile too.
Oh and one of those cool laser pens.
(Endnotes)
1 Wikipedia: The Presidency