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In This Issue

• Manhattanville! Because Complaining Never Gets Old
• Some Crotchety Old Man Stole My ID
• Thoughts While Bronzing on the Steps
• Greetings, From Public Safety
• Dear Mahmoud
• Get Your Horcrux Off My Desk
• Presidents: "We're a BFD"
• The Overachiever's Guide to Breaking the Ten Commandments
• Jew Hater Born a Jew
• From the Barnard Office of Health
• Sexed Up Haikus
• Core Turns Hardcore
• The Netherlands Corner
• An Apology to Our Readers
• They Watch
• The Staff of the Federalist

SECURITY ALERY: ROBBERY
September 17, 2009, shortly after 4am, a female student was the victim of a robbery. She was discovered on the pavement with a friend on Amsterdam Ave. between W. 106 St. and W. 107 St., north of Tropical Sensations. When found by CAVA, the victim's companion reported that the suspects approached them from behind and prodded the victim who lay lifeless "cradling herself with her Marc Jacobs clutch like looking like so sad because this guy at the Pourhouse said she had like a nice rack but her face was just whatever."

The witness claims that the suspects, seeing the victim in a vulnerable state, "like tore the clutch and stole Kirsten's dad's credit card and fled like north or south on Amsterdam-like towards Harlem or something."

A group of Barnard students drinking tea at SIP, alerted by the victim's cries of, "MIKE, BABY IS THAT YOU? I'm here! I'm HERE!" found Kirsten chasing the suspects with a bottle of Chanel #5. She then changed her course to sexually assault the cashier, who she claims to have confused with "the Mexican guy from that 70's show," at a local bodega (see subsequent Security Alert titled "Crazy-Ass Bitch" for more details).

It was then that the students called CAVA. They claim to have seen the suspects head north with the victim's shoes on Amsterdam towards W. 115 St but had no means of identifying them. When asked to accompany the girls to the hospital, the Barnard students abstained, claiming they were used to going home alone anyways. Public Safety officer John Downs is currently keeping watch over the victim who three days later remains in the Intensive Care Unit screeching "MIKE" at the sight of every staff nurse, foaming at the mouth when "That 70's Show" appears and on the television, and projectile vomiting when presented with any food that vaguely resembles Spanish cuisine.

The victim's parents, who refused to speak to Public Safety, told the university that they were unable to come to check on the well-being of their daughter due to their current stay in Cabo. Unfortunately, what was thought to be a simple robbery has now spiraled into a case of what Columbia Psychological Services have diagnosed as "morbid depression, cationic schizophrenia, and potential mental retardation." Officer Downs, who is in charge of keeping the Columbia community up to date on the victim's state in ICU, stated, "I fucking hate my job." The victims offered the following description:

Suspect #1- "Like not a CU student"/ "a guy"/ some yrs/5'8"-5'9"/short hair/wearing a gray t-shirt, "like basketball shorts with something on them"

Suspect #2- "Tall"/male?/ 15-? yrs/ 5'8"-5'9", no further description available. (Authorities believe there may not have been a second suspect.)

If you have any information about this crime, contact Det. McVale, 26 Pct. Detective Squad at 212-678-1318.

The University offers a shuttle and escort service which will personally escort students home without ever having to interact with members of the local community.